Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath

Sociopaths aren’t just the serial killers and rapists we see on the 6 o’clock news. They are our neighbors, co-workers, friends, family members, and sometimes our “soul mates.”

Sociopaths are the charmers and manipulators. They are the people who appear together and well-groomed at first glance, but hide many secrets and lies underneath their mask of sanity.

Sociopaths, in the early love-bombing stage of an intimate relationship, use many superlatives in order to woo and control their victims.

They say things to intoxicate you into compliance:

  • “You are the love of my life.”
  • “I have never known anyone like you.”
  • “You are perfect for me.”
  • “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
  • “I never want to leave your side.”
  • “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.”
  • “We are perfect for each other.”
  • “You are exactly what I have been looking for my entire life.”

The following is taken from my book: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath:

Do you know what it feels like to be locked up, placed in a dungeon of a partner’s creation? If so, you’re not alone. If not, pray you never do.

Abuse comes in many forms and affects many people in the victim’s life. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are equally degrading and harmful. One is not better than the other or worse than the other. They are ALL abuse.

This story is specifically about emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath.

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.

In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.

Identifying narcissistic sociopaths

Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (

Once it’s clear you’re dealing with a narcissist, go through the following list to see if the narcissist is also a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D:

1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

In addition to these two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to divert attention away from these traits, hide their evil agendas, and convince everyone that they’re capable of being loving and caring. Using this trick, they establish a false sense of trust with their victims who, in turn, feel compelled to share their deepest and darkest insecurities and fears.

But how? How do sociopaths convince even the most guarded people to open up and share their souls with the devil?

The answer is: Through excessive charm, pretense, and an uncanny ability to hide behind whatever mask of lies they need to wear depending on their audience. They lie to everyone with calculated projection and transference, resulting in a false sense of absolute power and control over everyone in their lives. Armed with this false sense of intellectual superiority and the belief others will always comply with their whims out of fear of having their deepest secrets and insecurities exposed, sociopaths epitomize evil and everything that’s wrong in our materialistic and greed-driven society. And by remaining fearful and not speaking out or saying “no” to these fools, the rest of us perpetuate and allow their power, abuse, and destruction of our collective moral compass to grow exponentially.

Sociopaths will continue “winning” and wielding their power as long as the rest of us remain fearful of our own humanity.

I believe in the power of a collective consciousness and in the transformative powers of information and education. The more of us who awaken and become informed about the reality of sociopaths in our midst, the more likely we can shift the evil into good and strip sociopaths of their delusional power.

So join me and speak out without fear of being judged as weak for falling prey to one of these characters. Your experience doesn’t mean you’re weak, and It doesn’t mean you’re broken. All it means is that you trusted and loved someone who didn’t deserve either.

Paula Carrasquillo, author, advocate, mindfulness coach


  1. nicola pickett

    That explanation was down to a fine tea never saw it wrote so well x

  2. D

    I met him on Facebook I was new to social Media I accidentally sent him a picture of my self n from the moment he responded I was hooked we chatted two weeks n the third one he came to spend four days with me n we never split after that moment I thought it was true love n he was my forever only to find he became so possessive n manipulating n abusive I thought my world had crashed on top of me he was the first man I had a relationship with after 7 yrs I wanted to be in love so bad n he was perfect in every way I wanted,i thought we were together 1 month n I had already lost my relationship with my family n my kids most of all I moved to where he stayed with friends as a surprise to me I thought he had home ,job n good life all false the abuse verbally started n then mentality n I left but soon to have him travel to another state to proclaim his indenying love for me n I fell again for it to find out when I went back he had been with 5 girls in week n half I was gone wtf I’ve been through hell with this man he’s possessive behavior increased n his infidelity increase through our on n off relationship I can’t seem to stop loving him or beliefs he will change his abuse has turned in to physical now I carry the scars well ,I have left states away from him now but I can’t stop trying to contact him he has blocked me on social media n emails n phone number I feel I’m the crazy one for wanting him back but we really loved each other even the other women tell me he claims to have only love for me what is wrong with me to want him back I know he’s with someone right now but as soon as he runs her off he will want me back how can I get over this I know we are poisonous to each other but I’m hooked … please tell me what to do…lost my forever

  3. Kelly S Miles mora

    I recently was in a short term relationship with a socio narc his sister had contacted me through fb asking me if I remembered her brother I said yes she asked me to become friends with him on fb right away 10 seconds later he called me then we started talking n texting all day long. He knew I was married within 2 weeks of talking he wanted to meet up with me as he lives in another town. However I didn’t meet up with him when he came to my city. We continued to talk n text n a week later he was asking me to quit my job and to sale my house n move in with him at a trailer his mother had left him where he lives with his 35 year old son.He started to become controlling telling me not to drink he would call me at night to see if I was sleeping alone he was quite the charmer with his words n was also very very sexual.When things wouldn’t go his way then he would not talk to me for long periods of time n always going bak n forth. He would communicate with my friend often n at times say not so nice things about me. Then he would tell me he wanted me to be a certain way. He wanted me not to smoke either. He would call me up at all hours n wanted to have phone sex.. he sent me explicit pictures of himself. I did go and see him may 17th where my world was turned upside down after being with him. He also would play the pity role of never having money however he would frequently ask for money. At the first part of our communicating he couldn’t get enough of me talking to me n texting me then when he would get upset and days would go by then we would talk then he started complaining about me texting him n calling him to often then he would say why r u up my ass all the time n just mean things he made it on his phone that he could only call me n that’s when he wanted too he got mad n blocked me from his fb but then he would stalk mine. He was always putting his past relationships down and blame everything on the others. He also started to compare me to his 3rd relationship n he says that one is what got him locked up for 20 years for something he says he wasn’t guilty of n that I found out it was for sexual conduct as a minor. Again never excepting fault. He made a comment he liked me when I was 13 n use to babysit his boys but I was to young. I thought that was a weird comment. His girlfriend at that time was friends with my sister. His entire family has sent me text messages their friends to one of his daughters his x wife the wives of his brother his sister and the messages r threatening n not nice. When I found out he was a chomoe I blasted him all over fb. He did me very dirty on may 17 he stold money from me I went to leave to come home the next day I lost my car n I was literally stranded over there with not a penny or no where to go.the story gets worse when I blasted him on fb about being a chomoe pedophile he filed an injunction of harassment on me n a level 2 sex offender isn’t allowed to have fb n a justice of the peace in that small town is friends with his sisters anyhow signed off on it. He should have been arrested right there n then for them knowing he had social media fb so with that being said n just some of the things I have written not all of the details is his characteristic socio narc. Thanks Me

  4. Patricia

    You have touched on so many things that I have also experienced. My husband is a sociopath. We have 2 sons. I am trapped. I do not know how to go on with my life without punished every time I try to better myself or be happy. Our youngest son acts like him as well. Help!

    • Lillian

      Socio/narcs are abuser’s. The harsh reality is to divorce and leave with legal support and enforcement by police/ solicitor/ outreaches. This will be a painful time for you and your children, but leave before it’s to late. I speak from experience and I lost a lot of money and a roof over mine and my son’s head (which he didn’t even care about). Money comes and goes, nothing can replace your mental and physical health. Seek professional advice and get the ball rolling. I can guarantee if he is that he has access to all your privacy, has isolated you from your friends and family, and has secrets of his own. I suggest if you haven’t already, is to research on the personality disorder, get legal advice (secretly) and make sure everything you do is discreet and brace yourself, hes going to get real nasty and your going to see all the faces of his dice!

      I wish you well

  5. Patricia

    I have just recently ended my relationship with a social path narsicistic man I was with for two and a half years. In the beginning I was so happy to have found him, in the end I couldn’t believe what I was going through and it just kept getting worse and worse, he was even having sex with our dogs to spite me, knowing that I knew but nobody else did, I can’t even believe people could be as horrible as he was to me, he forced everything out of my life that he could including my children, he always trapped me far from town broke no gas no food or water and no love or attention when he would get home he would give all his attention to the dogs and show them deep love and affection but he would ignore me, when I would confront him about things that seemed strange he would give me the silent treatment and call me mean, I could never get him to communicate or listen to my feelings, he never ever kissed me or reached our to touch me, he would try and hurt me physically, and hurt me while I was sleeping, he put acid in my makeup and did things to make me sick, it took me a while to figure out that he was not a good person at all and that the devil is in him, but thank God that I did see through him and got away for good!! He got me to come back four different times that I had left him, but I know now to stay away for ever, it still hurts some times when I think of how badly he didn’t like me and deep down he couldn’t stand me!! But I have to look at it differently because it is not my fault he is a deranged and horrible person that enjoys abusing people that love others!

  6. Ben There

    No one can be diagnosed in their absence. Also, there is a movie that was made about Sam Vaknin worth viewing before posting his material as gospel. There is a guide to the Hare checklist which interprets each trait…in many cases the trait description, and how to test for it, is not obvious. It takes many hours to train, and to administer the test once trained and certified. Many people in the world may be sociopaths, narcissists and passive-aggressive, but there is nothing more destructive and devastating than being wrongly labeled. In fact, it is often a personality disordered individual who will preemptively, and behind his back, label a spouse or any other adversary he thinks is going to out him. Some advice if hunting a psychopath: say nothing; quietly consult a psychiatrist. A psychopath facing discovery is capable of real violence. Be safe.

  7. Sad@heart

    Good night to everyone I am so blown away by all the different point of views on the sociopath disorder, I must say at times I think I am going mad or something I am 49 years old and I met a man that I though truly was a Christian man he is now in his early 60s 62 next January 2017
    We dated got ingage and marry and there was so many signs with so many things but the knowledge of this never ever came to my mind and now I am living in this empty life at first the lies was some what explainable and I did not think about it after it was address, but then came more funds start to leave the bank and leaving to play gulf was another lie at 6am in the morning on the weekends phone kept on silent we both work for the same company the way he was at word filled with glee and talk and energy and when he came home he was a different person it was almost like he could not wait to get back at word some thing at work was feeding him,
    We used to be intimate at least 2/3 times per week in the first month of marriage the it change to this point it is about once every 2 1/2 moth if I am lucky.
    We have only been married 2years this June it is as if I am begging him to hug me or to have a word of affection at this point I have developed a coughing due to a reaction to the carpet so I am sleeping in another room that I am able to open the window he never come to say goodnight I will kiss him and say good night always before I go to sleep he never does that he only come to see what I am doing if I am in the room during the day on the weekend some times I wonder why he is even still here I bought a home unfortunately because I am married to him his name is on the deed for the show he does help to pay the bills because he knows I will say something I had to cut him off my bank account and leave him to handle his own finances he was writing checks for the thithing for church and the checks never made it so when I found out and confronted him he said it was once or….twice and before that little withdrawals that he think iq would not see lies all over and he his never wrong I am crazy or he would say I am paranoid he never support what I am doing he says so in front the counselor at church.
    The sad part is I do love him but I have become sad at heart I feel like I have married two different man I look at him and I am sorry for me and also him off late his vision is going to the point he crass my truck that I gave him I sold the truck I had bought my self for one I was concern about him driving it am crash in it also so now we are driving his van and I am in fair for my life I could not thank it any more so I express my concern and ask my pastor to pray for him and told my aunt she just said it is also your life let him know and just take over the driving but I must say life is becoming more colder with him he used to go away every Sunday from 6am to some times 3or4 5 with change of cloth and sigaretts hidden where he went and what he did only God knows for me it is sad to see a man at his age lies and do the things he does I am not perfect by no means but I try hard to live a clean life toward the lord I feel sad and ashame I have 5 children from my ex husband how could I ever free as a grown Christian woman tell that my life is like this I watch his struggle just to read a note and of late driving all over the road I keep my self trusting in the lord the marriage vows say in good and bad rich or poor thick or thin os I have create a room for him that is dark for his eyes and a sitting area for him that is dark and I am working on a space for me filled with the word of the lord,where do I go from this point I pray the lord give me the strength to keep, keeping on and this is my prayer for all of you out there find a way to separate your space and self in love and peace in a Christian life it is more difficult we have to trust and see what the lord is doing in ones life,in the world one would say to &&$&€££ with it and move on, it is not easy only you can say stay on not because if he or she is on an older person and one has to live the rest of ones life with such a person I will say it is madness absolutely MADNESS so judge for your self seek council and do what you NEED! to do.

    • Sad@heart

      I am so sorry for the missed spelled words and the grammar is so off oops I am just so beyond my self with all of this that I did not re read befor sending.

      • DC

        get out of it! man up and leave and don’t look back. the fault is your own if you don’t man and get YOURSELF out.

      • renewed hope mama

        Please find the strength to save yourself from the wolf in sheep’s clothing who jails you in a false love relationship and robs you and those who know you and truly love you of your happiness. Serenity prayer. Please escape and release your sadness so that you can brighten your own life and inspire others in similar situations to know that hope and love and freedom and peace and happiness is absolutely possible to experience once again once you distance yourself from him and ‘shake the dust off your feet’. I feel your pain and understand your difficult situation. Believe me my story is so crazy and painful it could easily be made into a movie – or at the very least the world’s best country song. I’m a mom on a mission to rebuild a beautiful life for my son and I after traumatic experiences following leaving my ex (narcissistic sociopath – super charming super handsome) due to unbelievable govt discrimination (CFS created unfounded defaming claims about me with no basis in reality) medical kidnapping of my son (he was returned with no health issue improvements made after nine months) due to sudden poverty and homelessness due to suddenly having become a single parent unable to secure employment due to economic downturn – all these unfortunate circumstances were completely beyond my control or influence to change after unfair add they were. I agree with this ‘As we pray we move our feet’ this is probably why I’m starting to bounce back from all this and my son and I are much happier despite our present situation. In addition to overcoming debt (CFS created) and unemployment and poverty and homelessness and healing my son’s growth/hormonal/digestive/elimination issues… I’m driven to ensure that my son is nurtured well enough by me that if narcissistic sociopath is a genetic causation, my son will be well adjusted and a contributing member of society who hopefully doesn’t feel pain of abandonment by his father (I did try to reconcile with my ex – before he made our family breakup permanent by getting a new mistress pregnant)… and able to enjoy the happiness and love that only comes from true reciprocity of love! I do believe love is always the answer. Please do what it takes to act on God’s answer to your prayer; the awareness of the person your husband truly is behind the mask he wears… and free yourself – this will free others too. You can find a way to repair your heart (fill the cracks with gold/love) and I believe little miracles will line up for you once you make the decision. My son and I have a long way to go but we’re on a much better path now with freedom peace and hope. If we can do it you can to – and my heart is remembering what love and happiness feels like…after almost two years of being sad – but better late than never. Trust me – clarity will come with distance and time – like reading another article like this one which affirms that you made the best possible decision for yourself and for others who are affected by you and what you choose. Staying in your present situation doesn’t help anyone, not him (beyond meeting and enabling his superficial self-serving agenda) and definitely not yourself nor anyone else in the world. Please use this experience as a guide to give your love and trust to a man who truly cares about your happiness as much as his own – now that you can see more clearly the sheep clothes despite the convincing appearance! Share this gift of awareness! Please pay it forward and lead by example for other women to recognize false love and side step it to experience true love and enjoy this beautiful life and good times with amazing people – meaningful moments with precious people. What you do does effect others and less too short to spend much time being sad. Please move ahead to find something that makes your heart sing again! My heart is healing yours will too – and the people who love you will receive the greatest blessing of peace when they see you smile again. All the best in your new life chapter. Serenity prayer. 🙂

    • Bewildered

      Wow, so insightful, thank you.But now what, my adult Son is clearly a sociopath along with his girlfriend.and have two young Daughters we are desperately trying to cushion from the wrath of these horrific disorders. these two feed off each other and are physically and verbally abusive towards each other, and our two young granddaughters are direct witnesses and even forced to determine which parent started it and put but blame on one or the other parent. We don’t know how to protect these children because whenever child services’s get involved they come off looking like the staple of the perfect parenting club.

      • renewed hope mama

        Wow that breaks my heart and makes me even more disgusted by CFS. In my experience they only serve to traumatize children and destroy good families. I have no doubt they do more harm than good most of the time unfortunately – the way the system is currently set up – zero accountability for anything they say or do – blind unquestioned trust by the court judges – which also promotes sociopaths within CFS.

        My goodness I want to help you save your grand daughters from being ‘nurtured’ into also becoming charming deceitful sociopaths. The best thing you can do is teach them awareness of what healthy happy loving social interaction looks like and what dysfunctional harmful people look like and to know that all anyone can do when dealing with unhealthy hurt people is to protect yourself from being hurt by being aware and recognizing the incongruencies in character… and accurately identifying false love from true/real love. We can’t choose our parents. There are many stories of people who have survived horrific experiences at the hands of sociopathic parents and who have themselves become beautiful people who live happy fulfilling lives and serve as inspiration and hour for others in similar unfortunate circumstances. The girls are blessed to have you in their lives – just being there and teaching them how to navigate life under their parents ‘care’ is a priceless lifesaving gift for them. Just be really really smart and don’t let the parents ever feel threatened – by you or the girl’s awareness. Teach the girls how healthy people respond in difficult situations with difficult people and yeah the girls how sociopaths respond in the same situations. The girls need you!

    • Patricia

      You must get out and away from him for good if you ever want to be happy! I have learned this for myself and I can honestly say, it does get better and better quickly!! Once you give yourself the freedom to remember who you are and what is important to you, and he is no longer your concern….do yourself the biggest favor of all and get out and never look back…he will never change ever!

  8. PatsyGanor

    My sibling has this disorder in spades –

    1) She stole a $50 gift card that was a gift for a child, denied she took it, and offered to do me a favor and get another one (it happened to have to same # as the stolen one.

    2) she constantly gets away with the crimes she commits because she pretends to be this poor woes me individual.

    3) she’s a sleeze and sleeps with everyone. She has untreated herpes, but doesn’t tell that to any of her partners.

    4) she pretends to love you to me to my face, but talks bad about me behind my back.

    5) has tried to steal every boyfriend I’ve had.

    6) got jealous of any attention I got from our dad, so she told him that our mother admitted to her that I wasn’t his.

    7) if she feels someone has slighted her, she will wage a vendetta. For example – my mom wouldn’t let her live with her, so she’s spreading it around town that my mom killed my grandmother. Sad thing is, is that she’s so convincing, that people believe her.

  9. kaye

    uou looking good

  10. Louis R. Gonzales

    My wife and I are grandparents who had our grandson
    stole from us. We had no idea these two were corting us
    for a year and a half. We had a real feeling of trust but were lied to and decieved. We did not know who these people really were until it was too late. When the adoption was finalized and the judge gave full custody to them they called us about 2 or 3 hours later. We now were talking to total strangers. They were very bligerent and said we were no longer allowed to even see our grandson. It has been over a year since we have seen or talked to our Baby Boy who is now 5 years old. Now after knowing who and what they really are would the corts deem him and her unfit and not in the child’s best interest to remain with them? We fear for our grandson’s life now that we can see through the mask they wear.

    • renewed hope mama

      Unfortunately they’re likely way to charming and manipulative for the courts to see anything other than the perspective they sell – which would probably make things worse for you – and your grandson. I wonder if there’s any way you can work towards the goal of indirectly building a nurturing relationship with your grandson through someone who also has a ‘relationship’ with the sociopath adoptive patents (someone who’s aware of the situation and can endlessly meet their self serving needs – fed their egos and make them feel like superheroes being worshiped – someone who can be a great actor to help your grandson – that would probably work)? The trick is to never make the sociopaths feel threatened by revealing your awareness about them… But if you could provide awareness and serve as an example (indirectly through your chosen mediator/communicator – or maybe they can win trust to care for your grandson as a babysitter some time and allow secret visits with you where you call yourself by false names – as long as your grandson doesn’t recognize you and the sociopath parents find out and the jig is up) to your grandson for what healthy happy people look like and what destructive/broken/hurt hurtful people look like – and especially that hurtful people always miss out on all the best stuff/experiences in life – true connection happiness love… The greatest euphoric joy that comes from giving and making a difference for others (story of happy healthy people each feeding the person across the table with giant utensils in heaven, hell is the same situation but everyone starves because of selfishness and disconnect/sociopaths) – most precious in life are meaningful relationships of reciprocity. I bet you can make an amazing life saving difference for your grandson if you get creative! Love to you and yours!

  11. Christine

    He also sounds identical to a socialized psychopath. Please help.

  12. Christine

    My husband wants control of all his adult kids and had intentionally wanting to turn his kids against their mother. He uses situations that are happening in my life and changes it around to make it look like this is the truth when it really isn’t he’s very good at convincing people some of his kids follow him around like a puppy will follow their mom around. He tells them stories for his own gain and doesn’t think about how its affecting them. He wants them to think highly of him and he’s always right and at the same time he is using his kids to do wrong things against their mother that will cause upsetness hurt he’s got his kids convinced that I don’t have the truth about nothing he tells them im mental. he has done already convinced four of his kids not to believe me and now they don’t have nothing to do with me he has told me 5 years ago that he was going to turn all the kids against me. So far he has succeeded with four of them out of six. He is so convincing that it’s crazy he is so good with his words that anybody would actually believe what he saying he’s even tried to convince that he knows the law better than a lawyer. He uses people’s life and their situations to convince others that it’s different from what it really is. He is ridiculous convincing that’s how bad it is. He uses kindness and charm it makes it look like he’s telling the real truth and that he’s very smart and those gossiping about anybody that he wants to hurt and turn against he wants to feel like he’s God he’s all the time walking around here like saying I don’t know what everybody’s going to do without me. He can’t stay in a relationship he’s all the time wanting to separate come back do it again the same thing over and over again. I have filed for a divorce. But how can I get him to stop using me for his own personal gain with his kids. And he’s even caused problems between me and one of my family members and looked at me with an evil smile after he did it. He is so smart about how he does it that nobody is catching on to what he’s even doing. I don’t know how to get my kids to understand that I’m not what he says I am and he has I believe narcissistic sociopath? Please help.

    • Nina

      In my humble opinion, You have nothing to prove to anyone. If your kids cannot see who you truly are after being fed lies about you from your husband, give them time. All you are responsible for is to continue to be who you truly are and live your life according to that truth. Let go and give yourself the freedom and peace of mind to know everything will work out for the best for everyone in this situation, because you are not going to allow someone else to manipulate you or you life, your kids will see the truth eventually, as long as you stay true to you.

  13. Wiped Out

    It’s taken me years to determine that my own daughter is a narcissist/sociopath. She showed signs of behavior problems early on, as young as 3. I tried several methods, even put her in Karate hoping they could teach her what it meant to respect your parents. But after several incidents she ended up getting kicked out of that program.
    By the time she was 12; she had assaulted someone close to me and it didn’t phase her that she was arrested and was going to have to go before a judge. When she got a slap on the hand so to speak for this assault, that just fueled her ego even more….because she basically got away with it!
    By the time she was 16 it was a spiral of out of control behaviors. Mainly aimed towards me…her mother. Always turning every situation back on the other person; never admitting ANY wrong doing at all. Violent, explosive temper; easy to anger and says anything she can to hurt you. By 17 and 1/2 I had enough….and going before a judge; the judge agreed that she was out of control. So I tried to teach her a lesson by letting the state take custody. Unfortunately; her father is a narcissist sociopath as well and he actually joined forces with his sister and they asked the court for custody of her, filing a false law suit against me for neglect just so they could make sure they won custody. *which after they won custody they miraculously dropped the lawsuit.
    Now after nearly 3 years with them feeding her ego, giving her anything she wants, and believing whatever she tells them *false about me, letting her know that she can do no wrong….she recently said F Y to me then told me that I did not deserve the title of mother….among other hurtful things. She will say anything to hurt a person and she has no guilt or empathy for doing these things.
    At this point in my life; it’s time to let go for good. I’m not saying I don’t love her…she is my daughter, but this has gone on for too long and it’s obvious that I can’t help her. That’s what hurts the most; the fact that I can’t help her. It wasn’t for the lack of trying either.
    I honestly believe that the only thing I can do at this point is to give it to God and let Him handle it.

    • Tonya

      Hi my name is Tonya and I have a son who is this. It hurt my heart he’s 34 I had. To turn over to God good luck and God be with you Tonya

  14. Karen

    I am researching about a guy that is a “friend” on Facebook. We went to the same school and have many mutual friends, so I accepted his friend request. We have exchanged messages, texts, and have spoken on the phone several times. He appeared nice, sincere, thoughtful, generous with compliments, etc. Then he wanted to meet. I declined. I explained I was recovering from surgery/illness and my only priorities or things to do were to focus on my health, spending time with my daughter and new son-in-law and then get back to working. He kept pushing – but used terms like – I think you are so pretty, sweet, etc. He just would not take no for an answer – so he said he was going to sit on the interstate and watch for me to drive by and then he would follow me to my home. He then went on to describe this elaborate wedding (him and me) at his retirement party with HIS co-workers, his family, his friends, in his city and state – but not my family/friends and I did not get to participate in making any decisions. AT this time I told him to leave me alone as I felt he was exhibiting stalking behavior and elaborate fantasies where he had all control and decision making….and the worst fantasy was about getting married to me when we have never even met. He recently – through another friend apologized profusely about his behavior. I accepted his apology but made it very clear – no relationship, no dates, just nothing close at all. Again, he immediately started with the pressure to meet him and yet another fantasy about a marriage where he blindfolds everyone and takes us all to Bora Bora where he thin removes the blindfolds and there is a wedding alter and he gets down on one knee to propose. And obviously, he thought in his mind that I would say yes as he had the wedding all planned out with the minister, cake, everything…. Again, I told him that there was no place – even as a friend in my life for him. I am a very independent person, I make my own decisions, goals, plans, etc – as I am single and an empty nester. His response to my email was that I encouraged him in wanting to be in a relationship, be married, be together forever. Then he went on to say that I can be so sweet one minute than complete opposite the next. I did respond to this message by saying that yes, I am a nice person and sweet (so to say) – but will not tolerate anyone disrespecting my boundaries, my decisions, my priorities and goals by bullying me into their decisions as to what I must do – or them controlling me. Is this guy a sociopathic narcissist? Or does he fall under a different category. It is obvious he has issues with reality versus fantasy and when called out on it – he twists it to make it my fault (in this case) and refuses to take responsibility for his own fantasies, demands, disrespect, etc.

    I know to never talk to him and block him from social media. I am concerned as to what to watch for because we have so many mutual friends.

    I hope you can help me sort this out. Thank you so very much for this informative writing

    • Nina

      He is certainly manipulative, self centered, obsessive-compulsive and does not respect boundaries. Although I cannot tell from what you have said about him, if he is a sociopathic narcissist, there are many people with personality disorders and imbalances. He is clearly someone with both.

  15. Lima

    I think I am one. I saw to much war and hate myself because of it. I really don’t know if I am boardline or narassstic or pyschopath. I really don’t wanna be one. Or become one. It frightens me and scares me using violence or hurting someone. but I feel I’m more boardline I’m scared of people leaving me or getting too close so I self sabtoge or hurt myself cause I’m scared others are gonna leave me or hurt me: or others using sucidal thearts like my mother. When I go through hell and can’t control my who I am. I really don’t know who I am. I really don’t know my Idintey cause my father wanted me to be like him or my uncles. I don’t know. I get scared and start crying. I don’t know if I can empower myself any longer. But I I really don’t know what love is cause of the abuse I have had. I really wanna be whole love giving love and no boundaries where I just can be free worthy of love where love wont be fear to me nor it’s abuse. Where this no war inside me. Where I feel god presents and his love again. I just really wanna be free from my chaos honestly.

    • Shay

      did you ever consider looking into PTSD or complex PTSD (CPTSD)? check out spartanlifecoach on youtube. search his channel for borderline/ptsd/complex ptsd, etc. You will find it very helpful.

  16. Tristan

    HELP! I am the problem in my marriage, and reflecting on my past and present, I realize I am a sociopath/narcissist. Thank god I am not everything on the list, but I can relate to far too many. I don’t feel I have done these behaviors on purpose, as in if these behaviors happen, it is in the moment. I don’t think I have ever thought about manipulating someone to get my way, or thought about “how can I turn this pain around and put it on them” but there is another problem, that I feel it is often subconscious habit based off of defense mechanisms and ego.

    I do believe I am a good person, I do not commit crimes, I cannot stand racism or sexism or any kind of bullying (having been bullied growing up). Yet I find its far too easy to set me off in an argument about nothing and my mind runs in these negative behavior circles till I can calm down and realize that I was the one who reacted in way to big of a way and get snippy and short, by then the damage is done.

    I am accepting the fact that I may have this personality disorder, and even though this article is meant to help identify and avoid sociopaths,

    I am one and I don’t want to be!

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Tristan, I don’t think you’re a sociopath. What I think is you have pushed a past abuse against you into your subconscious. What you describe is behavior exhibited by people suffering from PTSD whose sympathetic nervous system is out of whack as a result of abuse. More than likely, you’ve been denying you were ever abused (physically, emotionally, and it spiritually), so it’s easy to place all of the blame for your current behavior solely on yourself. But when we deny abuse, we don’t seek the right help so we can free ourselves of the power the flight/fight/freeze response has over our lives. You’re not a sociopath, and you can change and transform your behavior now that you’re more aware of the root cause.

      • Panda

        Hi Paula
        I found your article very interesting I have a question for you
        I have been watching the Johnny Depp Divorce and all the sensationalized headline his now soon to be ex wife is saying about him. And when I really get into the time line of events there have been so many outrageous lies that his wife has been caught in so many things in your article seem to fit her like a glove even the trouble as a kid she has a fellony arrest she ran away arrested for DV lied about it I could go on and on What is your opinion as nothing she says ever seems to add up yet people believe her. Plz I would love to hear your point of view!!

        • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

          Panda, Thank you for your question. When the news first broke, my initial gut instinct screamed to me that she was lying.

          As time as passed, I’m feeling more confident in my original instincts.

          1.) He looks terrible. He’s bloated and angry. Yes, he probably has a drinking problem, but many people who are “victims” of disordered minds self-soothe with booze and/or drugs. I’m hoping he sees this as an opportunity to reel in the self-destructive behavior and gain back his power…if, in fact, he is the one being abused.

          2.) I was surprised to see that his ex’s made statements against Amber’s, because if there were any type of non-disclosure agreement with his exes, they wouldn’t be permitted to say anything positive or negative per the agreement. So the fact they made statements at all, speaks to his character.

          3.) There was a video recently released to TMZ of him angrily slamming cabinets and pouring himself wine and screaming at her. The video was secretly recorded, and the woman holding the camera certainly didn’t seem like someone in fear for her life. There’s zero context as to why he’s angry (the tabloids call it a rage, but for those of us who have experienced a real sociopath’s rage would not define his behavior as a rage) and who secretly records a drunk person babbling and being belligerent and then calls it “proof” that the person is abusive and a threat?

          The entire coverage is dramatic and toxic. I find it interesting that she’s the one with the history of DV and there’s no one from his past or present coming forward to support her allegations, which is the general pattern when a celebrity who has abused their power over the years gets “outed” by a victim. (Cosby and Armstrong come to mind.)

    • IJ McCallum

      Hi Tristan, your comments were well wotrth reading. The fact that you have identified that yo have narccistc/sociopathic tendencies speaks well. It means that you are aware of possible effects and that you will be able to ensure that Yu can minimise the effects, should you want to.
      Never the less, no one is perfect. It is important also that you love yourself, whilst recognising the personality that you have.
      All the very best to you, and congratulations for your courage.

      Ian McCallum

  17. Happy

    Was with one for five years and had a son with him. Had to escape him and go into hiding with my two children. This evil man stole our sons SIN card (Canada)and his identity (even tho’ our son was only 3 years old when I left). One thing I know for certain is that there is NO help for these kinds of people. They simply use and abuse people leaving behind a trail of destruction wherever they go. They have no boundaries when it comes to who they will hurt and use…case in point (even their own children). The best thing I ever did was to take my children, escape and never look back!
    Many years later, we are all doing very well…including my son.
    I recently spotted this wretched man on facebook and he looks like evil incarnate. He has not aged well at all and has a look of pure anger and evil in his eyes that would scare anyone. He posted some very bizarre quotes expressing exactly who he is…and the drugs that he became addicted to have completely fried his brain. The good looks and charm that he was once able to utilize as his mask are now stripped and his true identity is there for all the world to see now. I am so grateful that we got out when we did. My son is missing NOTHING and better off without him.



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