Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath

Sociopaths aren’t just the serial killers and rapists we see on the 6 o’clock news. They are our neighbors, co-workers, friends, family members, and sometimes our “soul mates.”

Sociopaths are the charmers and manipulators. They are the people who appear together and well-groomed at first glance, but hide many secrets and lies underneath their mask of sanity.

Sociopaths, in the early love-bombing stage of an intimate relationship, use many superlatives in order to woo and control their victims.

They say things to intoxicate you into compliance:

  • “You are the love of my life.”
  • “I have never known anyone like you.”
  • “You are perfect for me.”
  • “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
  • “I never want to leave your side.”
  • “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.”
  • “We are perfect for each other.”
  • “You are exactly what I have been looking for my entire life.”

The following is taken from my book: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath:

Do you know what it feels like to be locked up, placed in a dungeon of a partner’s creation? If so, you’re not alone. If not, pray you never do.

Abuse comes in many forms and affects many people in the victim’s life. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are equally degrading and harmful. One is not better than the other or worse than the other. They are ALL abuse.

This story is specifically about emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath.

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.

In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.

Identifying narcissistic sociopaths

Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (

Once it’s clear you’re dealing with a narcissist, go through the following list to see if the narcissist is also a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D:

1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

In addition to these two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to divert attention away from these traits, hide their evil agendas, and convince everyone that they’re capable of being loving and caring. Using this trick, they establish a false sense of trust with their victims who, in turn, feel compelled to share their deepest and darkest insecurities and fears.

But how? How do sociopaths convince even the most guarded people to open up and share their souls with the devil?

The answer is: Through excessive charm, pretense, and an uncanny ability to hide behind whatever mask of lies they need to wear depending on their audience. They lie to everyone with calculated projection and transference, resulting in a false sense of absolute power and control over everyone in their lives. Armed with this false sense of intellectual superiority and the belief others will always comply with their whims out of fear of having their deepest secrets and insecurities exposed, sociopaths epitomize evil and everything that’s wrong in our materialistic and greed-driven society. And by remaining fearful and not speaking out or saying “no” to these fools, the rest of us perpetuate and allow their power, abuse, and destruction of our collective moral compass to grow exponentially.

Sociopaths will continue “winning” and wielding their power as long as the rest of us remain fearful of our own humanity.

I believe in the power of a collective consciousness and in the transformative powers of information and education. The more of us who awaken and become informed about the reality of sociopaths in our midst, the more likely we can shift the evil into good and strip sociopaths of their delusional power.

So join me and speak out without fear of being judged as weak for falling prey to one of these characters. Your experience doesn’t mean you’re weak, and It doesn’t mean you’re broken. All it means is that you trusted and loved someone who didn’t deserve either.

Paula Carrasquillo, author, advocate, mindfulness coach


  1. Bill

    Why are these types of articles always written as though the female is the victim 100% of the time, that is simply not true. I just got out of a 4 year relationship with an extreme narcissistic abuser and I find it shocking that almost every article I look to for help always wants to paint the male as the abuser. Why aren’t these types of articles written from a neutral standpoint? Looking for help and seeing that the male is constantly labelled this way just ads insult to injury.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Bill, I understand your point and why you are frustrated by what you come across online. However, it’s important to keep in mind these articles are written by “targets” as first-hand accounts; most men who have been victimized by female narcissists aren’t actively sharing their stories at the same volume and frequency as female victims of male narcissists. I’ve helped and supported men and women, mostly women because human nature is to seek support from a like gender. So don’t take the seemingly gender bias personally. Most of us who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse in romantic relationships by the opposite sex have also dealt with narcissistic abuse in non-romantic partnerships (i.e., friendships, co-worker relationships, etc.) by the same-sex/gender. The language used, abuse inflicted, and traits of narcissists and sociopaths are the same regardless of sex/gender. I haven’t met anyone in the recovery community who would claim sociopaths and narcissists are ONLY men and ONLY women are their targets. Sometimes it’s just easier to write from the point-of-view of experience. 🙂

    • Ellie

      Hello Bill, I’m sorry about your experience and I agree there are some horrible narcissistic psychopathic women about who are evil and do really dreadful things to their partners. I have noticed how the research and counselling literature tends to call the psychopath “he” and although I’m female this seems a bit unfair to me. People might argue that research shows there are more males in this group. That may be so, but I would say that it is a response bias in that the female psychos get hidden for several reasons. One may be that their partners are less likely to know where to turn for help, another, I believe is that women are inclined to be more clever at manipulation and can make themselves look like the victim when in fact they are the villain.
      I think we must admit there are many cruel female narcissistic psychopaths and many very unhappy men suffering at their hands. I have worked with these women and my sister is one. They have a way with words and lie with great facility so people believe them. They are the life and soul of the party and everyone thinks they are wonderful. They make your life a complete hell and you get no help because no none believes you.
      So, Bill, I send you my sincere sympathy and really hope your life is getting better. Good luck and don’t give up, there are more good people than bad people out there!

      • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

        Thank you for your thoughtful answer, Ellie.

  2. Carlie

    My husband and son are this and I am working with my husband to help him over come it. I believe it can be done if they are willing but it takes a strong mate to do this. We’ve reached the point now where he realizes he’s doing what we call a Narcissistic Sociopath trait. Most of the time I have to point them out but he’s actually starting to notice them himself. I plan to write a book about this. One key thing I’ve found is to identify the things he’s doing before it causes me hurt. Since we started this about 3 years ago, he’s only really hurt me once. By hurt I don’t mean physically either. Why am I trying so hard and not getting out. Two reasons, 1 Narcissistic Sociopaths need love too. 2. I’ve seen this man laid low by several family member’s deaths in a short span of time. It was the first thing I ever saw affect him. Now we work on it every day. I do believe they can be dealt with but again it takes a very strong mate.

  3. Rosay

    Are there ways to help them are they capable of changing or curving their emotions? This really sounds like theres no meds no way to help like reading this basically saying to rid them of your life

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      The simple answer to your question in “no”, Rosay. And I say not from a place of cruelty but from a place of compassion and experience. First, person can’t be fixed by medication. Even if there were medication to help people feel remorse and act with a conscience, once the meds are taken away, the behavior returns. So unless a person REALLY, REALLY wants to change and is sick and tired of being who they are, no amount of cognitive therapy, yoga, meditation, energy healing, journaling, etc. will do a bit of good. If a person likes being mind-less, they’re not going to choose to be mind-full. 🙂

    • Gary

      I was just ground up by a female narcissistic sociopath.
      I spent a year and a half with her.
      She used many of the techniques discussed to draw me in; called me baby all the time, made boastful comments to others about her importance, was sexually promiscuous and used it on me quite well, prone to bouts of rage (with her children), liked to be the center of attention, could not hold a job, etc.

      Convinced me that she loved me. I cared for her during post surgery and the multitude of illnesses that manifested. She was lazy, sloppy and unkempt, unless we went to a show or something and she transformed herself into a made up beauty queen who wanted center stage. She had little emotion most of the time and often just had a plain, cold demeanor.

      In the 1.5 years we spent together we never had a knockdown drag out argument. She disrespected me once at a party. I let her know how I felt afterward and she just plain shut down on me. Gave me back my necklace that I had given her.

      Lots more involved here but to make a long story short, the last month sex went from 60 to 0. I suspected something wrong. I confronted her and asked her if she had something going on.

      She snapped back that she was stressed.

      I left to cool down.
      An hour later I get a text telling me it was over and to leave.
      Would not answer my texts asking for a reason.
      Unfriended me and my friends on FB and the very next day put herself back on the website where I had first met her.

      Cold hearted.
      I just got a letter from someone who knew her before and said this is modus operandi for her.

      Yup, narcissistic sociopathic beyatch!

      • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

        Thank you for sharing, Gary. And I’m glad you were able to receive the validation from the individual who knew her before.

        • Gary

          This woman definitely had anger management issues. Never snapped at me but I did see her rage at her daughter. Probably never blew up on me because she needed the attention.

          Also told me she was taking me on a cruise. Can you believe that. All the money she has is supplied by her daddy.

          I found out also that she is bisexual, although she lists herself as str8.

          I was used as a pawn to help manage her kids. She had me down as a step father and often introduced me as her husband.

          She embarrassed me on a few occasions, once disappearing into a bathroom with one or two women at a party. I saw a man come out of there too, so I had no idea what was going on. Confronted her afterwards and she went dead silent and shutdown.

          She is consumed by sex and ours was great up until last month. I can only assume a few things: she tired of me, she may have started cheating on me or she was winding me down so she could set up another victim.

          I met her on a fetish website, so that speaks volumes. 1 day after the text breakup she was back on there. Had me blocked and our joint pictures removed. Listed her description as being back after a long “break”. That, in essence, was all I truly meant to her.

          Am I over her? Yes! Am I pissed at being used and getting stonewalled at the end? Yes! Will she be F’n every body and their sister and brother? Yes! Lol

          • Sarah

            I am not sure what to do. My life is in serious trouble. I have been used by so many narcissists. I lost my virginity to being raped then have been robbed of huge amounts of money (up to fifty thousand at a time) spit on and physically abused. Each one so different than the last that I cannot see it coming. The last was an indian guy who made me his servant, I paid for everything though he had a phd and made six figures, and he abused me to keep me under control, though I left him three times and he would not let me leave. He is a pathological liar and master manipulator. He said I was his favorite person and slept next to me until the day he left to marry an arranged bride. He used me for 8 years, then lied to police to get rid of me, hacking my email to make fake threats I never actually made to his wife (he knew two weeks before marriage who stood by him because of racism) and then tried to make me look like I broke the protective order to get me arrested….after he married his wife she was stuck in india five months nad he lived with me manipulating me to believe his mom forced him to marry and he was miserable, only really using me to buy him food, put his socks on and hold him as he slept until she returned then he tried to destroy me. I was garbage after he no longer needed me. He told me I was easy to use because I am damaged, stupid, rich and his mom said american girls do not count. He would pin me down and abuse my breasts like my rapist did to make me cry then hold me so tight like a python that my spine hurt and tell me how much he loved me. He used the police to lie about me because I told him how my last boyfriend did that to me to hide the fact that he stole twenty grand from me. The guy before him stole my social and fifty grand. The one before him stole my debit card, bought himself a motorcycle than spit on me. I am a beautiful natural blonde with perfect breasts. I am talented and educated. I do not understand why these guys, all always much less attractive than me, always younger than me, always the ones to heavily pursue me, keep doing this to me. Vikram Varadarajan Iyengar (Intel Micron Flash Technologies process integration 5) was the worst. He used my abuse in the past to control me and use me. I spent thousands a month on him, cleaned for him, made his food I bought from scratch on a silver tray (not kidding it was his grandmas) and he called me a typical american girl feminist….and told police I was violent, when I never even hit him back when he slapped me (often, like in a Bollywood flick…which is acceptable in india, his mom Hemamalini burned him with a metal iron she heated in a fire when he was a kid) I thought he loved me and was my best friend for three years, then destroyed my mind the last five. Now I stopped leaving the house, live off of savings, have my groceries delivered, and research ways to kill myself when my money runs out because I am done with this world and all the horrible people in it.

    • Heather

      There was a time i believed there was. I was horrible wrong 10yrs later. Feeling broken. Run for your life and never look back.

    • Carlie

      I believe they can be helped but they have to realize it and aid in this and it takes a strong mate or other to help the person. I have 2 in my life and one is coming along nicely with my methods.

      • Emma

        What are the methods? I’m in an early relationship with an ex-marine who is exhibiting all the signs. I love him to bits but I’m really struggling with his irrationality and unpredictability. I know he would never hurt me but he’s literally ignoring me or all over me, I have two kids from my previous marriage and I don’t want them to see me go through hurt again.

  4. Anon

    I have been married to a man for 13 years and have 5 children with him. I did not know the terminology for his personality disorder until I began seeing a therapist over 5 years ago after the death of my father and while going through severe postpartum depression and PTSD . I explained his behavior to her and she told me what it was, NPD. I did the stupid thing and told him what she said and he got extremely upset and decided to email her a letter stating everything he felt wrong with me and my family and how terrible they were and naming all his accomplishments and how superior he was( which essentially solidified her diagnosis) . I foolishly quit my job a few years later to stay home with the kids under a so called understanding which left me at the mercy of my controlling, manipulative, inconsiderate spouse. I have undergone some really disturbing experiences with him. He once called my job to tell me not to bring the kids home because the police had ransacked our house due to them finding child pornography(false) on his computer, after him being monitored because he was a federal employee. I dropped my kids off at my parents house in fear of them being taken and went home to find a staged wrecked house that turned out to be a disgusting disturbing prank that he pulled (I would not allow my children around and would call the police myself if any of that were true). Another instance of his careless,inconsiderate behavior was after having my 5th child, ( I know). I once again went through horrific PPD with unimaginable digestive issues that I suffer from to this day. He went with me to a follow up appointment that he said he had taken the day off to accompany me, decided not to go inside with me after getting there.I go to the appointment and after filling out a depression survey, the doctor decides that I need to be placed on a suicide watch. After an hour or two or so with no contact with my husband who was supposed to be waiting in the car but hadn’t come in to find out what happened to me,and with no way to contact him because he hadn’t paid the cell phone bill. The doctor has to send out security staff to the parking garage to find him because I couldn’t be released until they had someone to be accountable for me.Lo and behold he’s nowhere to be found because he left, he was furious because I had interfered with his scheduled agenda to prepare for work the following day, mind you we lived 45 mins away from the hospital. Eventually he ended up bringing my mom to have me signed out, he wouldn’t dare walk in there himself.
    I have undergone countless embarrassing displays of his carelessness, lack of compassion, arrogance, selfishness,sense of grandiose and, irrationality withholding money, and threatening me if I didn’t do as he said or challenged it. He says, he “holds things in his memory bank” . He blame any and everyone else for any mistakes and has a delusional sense people complying to how he feels they should.I feel trapped, I don’t want my children growing up with this behavior and I’ve been warned to leave,but at the same time my Christian faith allows me to believe and hope for change. However, I don’t feel my children or I should remain in the household at this time and I feel stuck due to my financial state.I have gone back to work part time since to try and gain some financial stability,but it isn’t enough. I know that divorcing him will be hell on earth and fighting him for custody will be even more so. Has anyone else been here ,what did you do?

    • Jodie

      I too am a Christian who was married to a sociopath. I prayed for him more than I prayed for anyone in my life. Even after our divorce he still tries to get back together with me, but the same behaviors were there. Nice and loving for a week, maybe two and then the outburst that made no sense whatsoever. Of course it was always my fault. He accused me of everything under the sun. But I persevered. I started taking a class at my church called The Genesis process. I made friends with people at my church. No longer isolated and ashamed to tell my story. Little by little I began to admit to myself the truth. Even I didn’t want to accept and believe what I knew was true. Recently at church I heard a pastor give a tidbit. He said ask the Lord if it is not his will, for him to close the door and it not to be opened again. But if it is his will to open the door and never to be closed. Then I heard the Lord speak to me. It was maybe a week later. He said he understood my situation. He knew what it was like to love someone, have them close to you. He loved Judas. He was his disciple. His closest people to him. And Judas betrayed him too. It opened my eyes. There are people who are evil minded. Narcissists and sociopaths. They don’t ask for repentance and invite Jesus in to be the Lord of their lives, because they don’t see that they do anything wrong. In order to repent, you have to see your fault..that you are a sinner in need of a savior. They don’t. Anyway. I would suggest you pray. You are the one that asked Jesus to be the Lord of your life, because you wanted your sins washed away and you wanted a new heart and a new life and are in need of a savior. You chose this. Now let Jesus heal you. Work on YOU! Its his choice also, and when you don’t see you have faults you don’t believe you need to repent. Grace. Jesus came not to condemn the world but to save the world. If you have repented and asked Jesus to be your Lord and savior, you are covered in his righteousness. Clothed in his righteousness. You are forgiven from then through forever. Satan wants to guilt you. Guilt is not from God. God loves you and takes delight in you. Pray and ask him to close the door if it’s his will and that it not be opened again. Or to open the door that no one can shut if it’s his will. He will answer. And remember when God closes a door he always opens A new one. He said look at the birds in the sky, do I not take care of them? How much more will I take care of you. God is truth and faithful. I am praying for Gods will for your life. I know what you’re going through. I’ve been the crushed in spirit. God said he is close to the broken hearted and those who are crushed in spirit. He is with you. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. God bless you.

  5. Michelle

    I have been divorced twice, from my first ex-husband for 15 years and my second ex-husband for 10 years. My first ex-husband and I have two sons. One is grown and the other is 16. My second ex-husband and I have one son that is 12.

    I never knew that all that I have been experiencing with my first ex-husband has a name. He was never physically abusive to me or my sons. However, he is very charismatic, controlling and manipulative. He was always there at a drop of a hat for anyone that needed his help. My sons and I were never a priority.He would cancel plans we already made as a family to help someone else(co-worker, aquaintance, family member). He would give people our money and offer to let them move in with us without talking to me about it. When I would put my foot down about cancelling our plans or not talking to me first about decisions he was making, he would yell and scream at me and call me names(bi**h, selfish,etc.)and make it out like he was trying to help people and be a good person and I’m not. When I would reach out to talk to friends or family about this they all couldn’t believe that I would be so mean to such a nice, good man like him.

    I finally had enough and was the one that asked for a divorce. He exploded (yelling, screaming) and accused me of ruining our family and told me I would never survive on my own without him. He forced me to tell our oldest (9 years old at the time) that we were getting a divorce. I tried to explain it in a way that was appropriate for a child. He kept yelling and told our son it was my fault our family was being torn apart. He told our neighbors about me wanting a divorce and I had them coming over and calling our house, yelling at me and calling me names for ruining my family and leaving such a great man.

    Our divorce took a year to finalize because he refused to agree on anything. We have joint custody of our sons and for the first four years they were spending equal time with each of us. I got re-married to my second ex-husband and he got re-married to his current wife. Our co-parenting seemed to be going well.

    Our sons seemed to be struggling in school and going back and forth between the houses so my first ex-husband approached me with the idea of our two boys primarily living with him and his wife and I can see them as often and whenever I want. I believed it was in the best interest of my sons so I agreed. Nothing is in writing about this or made legal through the court. Since this decision was made I have divorced my second ex-husband (emotionally and verbally abusive), was gang raped, and laid of of my job 4 times in 5 years. I have gone to therapy, gotten myself back on my feet, healthy and happy. I have a great job that I love.

    While I was getting myself healthy and getting back on my feet I was extremely grateful that my sons had a stable home environment with their dad and stepmom. I have always remained in their life and have attended school functions,band concerts, football games, etc. Since I have been back on my feet, our co-parenting has consisted of either I agree with him and his decisions about our sons or he gets very angry, refuses to answer my calls/texts and witholds information about my sons school, doctor appointments, etc. He reminds me constantly that I didn’t pay for anything for our sons, has told our sons what he has paid for and has convinced our sons that I have never been there for them and their dad is the only one that has been and cares about them. Every issue that comes up with my sons he says is my fault and he is nothing but an exemplary father. My sons are now 24 and 16 and are nothing but angry at me.

    I have an excellent parenting relationship with my second ex-husband and his wife. He has gotten therapy and has really turned himself around. His wife is an amazing stepmom to our son. I have a great relationship with my 12 year-old and he is always happy and excited to see me.

    I am grateful that my 16 year-old is in therapy now. I had been trying to get him into therapy for awhile (due to his anger,change in personality, and failing grades) but he refused and his dad said he was fine and saw no need to force him. My oldest is 24 and has a family of his own. He is not interested in therapy or talking about things with me. I feel an enormous amount of guilt and regret for ever letting my oldest and middle son live with my first ex-husband.

    I feel that I should have seen the signs earlier and that I completely failed my sons. I just pray that in time, with my continued support my sons and I can rebuild our relationship. Hopefully one day they will see their dad for what he really is….

    • Jennifer

      I was doing some research and this exactly describes my husband. I am freaking out right now. How can you deal with a Narcissistic Sociopath?

  6. Scott

    I have recently separated from my n/s wife. She lured me in with 4 straight days of the most incredible sex I have ever experienced (this was our first date) She was being evicted from her apartment because her ex boyfriend refused to pay for it any more and she needed a place to live. She also has not worked in 10 years. She just goes from man to man using sex to manipulate her way into their lives and wallets. She lies about everything! Whatever she has to say to keep you spending your money on her. When I catch her in a lie, she comes up with another one at the drop of a dime to to explain that I am wrong. It’s AMAZING how they can do that. She has cheated on me many times, lies pathologically, steals money from me, and mentally, emotionally, and physically abuses me and my 16 year old son. DCF is involved because of the times I have had to call the police to keep situations from escalating. I believe she is capable of killing me. She is an alcoholic and takes many prescription mess. When she drinks vodka is a Violent, out of control animal. Many times she doesn’t even remember what she did. I have stood by her through 8 months of incarceration, hospitals for alcohol poisoning, Rehab’s, court hearings while she selfishly and systematically destoroyed our marriage. I have spent $20,000 on her in 2 years and the time involved in being there for her is astronomical. I have never asked one thing from her. Whatever I did for her was never enough. I put my business, my son and my life second to her for 2 straight years only to have it end. She came off jail worse than when she went in. Drinking, assaulting me and spending my money like I was printing it. I finally had to file for a restraining order (with phone calls and texting allowed). I was desperate to save my marriage! Why? I dont know! I still loved this woman!! She is a master of manipulation! She says what you want to hear to make you feel sorry for her. All lies! Every word out of her mouth is a lie! After she left it took her all of 2 days to move in with another man! She’s a master at her game! All she has to offer a relationship is sex! PERIOD! She has no car, no license, no car, no job, no posessions, NOTHING! She is in my eyes a prostitute. She sells her body to survive. That’s how she manipulates men into spending mass quantities of money on her. She has moved on like I never existed! The mental, emotional and financial damage she has caused will stay with me for a long time and I guarantee she doesn’t even think about me! It’s crazy how heartless these people are! She has used and abused men her whole life. She has left a path of destruction and heartache without any conscience whatsoever. She can’t work and will never hold a real job. She will be doing this to men until the day she dies. I am devastated as we’re all the other men who she has done this to. I am in counciling for the first time in my life. I just can’t seem to process how a human being can do this to someone who was as good to her as I was. She is absolutely heartless. Conscienceless and void of any human emotion. She is a cold blooded monster and she has left me broken, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially devastated and she doesn’t care! Her favorite word…… NEXT!!!

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Thank you for sharing your devastating story. I’m so sorry you’re in such pain. But pleas, please, PLEASE know the heaviness of this pain will NOT last forever. I’m glad you’re working with a therapist. Stick with it. Learn to trust and love yourself again, because she robbed you of those things in addition to the money. But you will recover…you WILL heal. Just don’t give up on yourself.

    • Mary

      WOW, glad to see you are taking steps to go to therapy. Hope your son is also going because his future is very important & knowing that love & marriage is not supposed to be like that at all & Should not be afraid to get Married some day. God Bless You, Your a Good Man !

  7. Diane

    After reading Dr. Stout’s book “The Sociopath Next Door” my 60 year old eyes were opened as to why I had been given such a miserable life. I had been conditioned to believe that it was all my fault. It turned out that my mother, father and sister were all sociopathic and that I came from an overwhelmingly sociopathic family that also included an aunt and two cousins. The book made me realize that my family from hell was not all my fault. Last year, my mother’s eldest sister passed away leaving me and three other cousins her estate in equal shares. Unfortunately, my Aunt gave authority to my sociopathic cousin who has totally reopened my wounds by attempting to declare me mentally incompetent so that she could steal my share of the Estate. I immediately hired an attorney. I thought this would help bring the abuse to an end but now I am embroiled in a costly lawsuit for the past year and a half in order to force my cousin to give me my distribution. She is gleefully dragging the case out in the system using my inheritance as a means to torture me. Our Court system doesn’t seem to be aware of Sociopathic behavior and how it clogs the system with bad actors. This is something that needs to be addressed and recognized. My feeling at this point is that Sociopathic behavior must be recognized early in childhood by teachers (many of whom actually are sociopaths, unfortunately) and steps should be taken to disable the destructive behaviors or these people should all be locked up in their own city so that they can prey on each other and allow themselves to self destruct rather than prey on innocent empaths.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Thank you, Diane!! That’s the same book that awakened me, too. And myself and others are working on coming together to formulate a plan of action to address policy changes needed in family court. I’ll be posting a call to action soon for anyone interested in being a part of the movement. Take care. 🙂

      • sonia

        would love to be a part of that movement as I too was married to a sociopathic narcissistic man for 17 1/2 yrs. He was able to make the family relations believe I was mentally incompetent to raise my two daughters. I strongly believe changes are soo desperately needed to get the family court to recognize this evil illness so no others can be mentally damaged by them.

        • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

          Send me a private message at paula at lovelifeom dot com or through the contact page on this site. 🙂

    • Anon

      Like you I was older when I learned what it was called, recently, which led me here. It sounds like you have vultures. In a family of wolves the estates are usually looted before the person is dead, at the first opportunity, or sign of weakness. No offense meant to wolves…THEY don’t usually attack or cannibalize their own. The best we can do is educate children to run like hell, because standing your ground and fighting for justice only makes you an easier target for gaslighting, scapegoating, and manipulation by the sociopath, and anyone they charm into doing their dirtywork. I’m getting through the shock, and I am in the process of severing ties myself. It’s painful. I’ll need to get that book, and more tissue. Congrats on having a lawyer. Good luck. Stay strong. Take care of yourself.

  8. Brittany

    I have recently been reading about these types of people and my ex fiancé is pretty much text book. He is in the Marine Corps. and would get so angry if I even talked to a man. My father came to visit me out of state and we were in the car when my ex called. I answered and he was made asking what I was doing for the last hour and would manipulate me into saying I’m sorry every time. I had even a girlfriend visit me and he got mad that I even called to check in for 5 minutes because that time was too short of a time to talk. I was never doing anything right or good enough for him. I broke off our wedding twice and the first time he took leave to see me and was absolutely perfect while we were broken up until we got back together and it was progressively worse from then. He was also very sexual and would do and try anything. He at one point said he wanted to give me bruises from sex because he would be proud of doing that. He would even look for bruises to see if he had made any. I had never been with someone who made me cry and was so emotionally and verbally abusive in my life. If he didn’t like the way a conversation was going in the car, he would drive crazy to instill fear and power over me. I could go on with stories but I am just so thankful that God opened up my eyes to the truth and delivered me out of that horrible and stressful relationship.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      We’re all grateful you’re no longer inside that madness. 🙂

  9. Christina

    I’m going through it right now. My husband of ten years is sneaking a girl in our house, sneaking out of bed at night, coming home from work with personal stains on his underwear. But I’m crazy. I don’t hear it in the recordings I have, the stains he has no explanation says he has no idea how they got there. I have nothing left for him. I feel like I’m being discarded like rubbish. He’s super callous and disrespectful. Almost like he is intentionally trying to hurt me. What’s crazy is if he wasn’t doing everything in his power to leave (but never does) this marriage…like I would just keep accepting it. He always throws that glimmer of hope that there will be change. I feel like I’m so alone. Just today I went to my psych appointment thinking I was in a safe environment to just cry, they tried to admit me to a mental institution. The times I’ve called the police for help, he always makes me look like the crazy one and I’m asked to leave. No one believes me.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo


      You’re not sick. You’re experiencing PTSD. And unlike what most people believe, PTSD is NOT a life sentence. Your outbursts, stress, and anxiety are linked to triggers. Your central nervous system is out of whack. You’re unable to discern between real and perceived threats. Everyone and everything is a threat. You’re on constant high alert and easily triggered…by sounds, smells, words, voices, body language…everything is perceived as being something AGAINST you. You don’t belong in a psyche ward. You need some TLC. You need an opportunity to feel REALLY safe, calm, and relaxed. Does any of this ring true for you?

    • Sandra

      I just got out of a four year long relationship with one of those.. believe me.. the happiness you will feel and the relief you will feel will be enormous.. I left, never looked back.. so glad. You will too if you find the strength to leave. He used to promise me the world, then right back to himself after I agreed.. one big cycle.. it has to end.

  10. Katherine

    After a 3 year engagement my x fiancé has told me it is over I have obviously spoke to my work colleague’s who have been very supportive one friend in particular who has been through the same as myself and is a very educated friend advised me to look up on the Internet what is a narcissistic psychopath
    I have just read your article and points mentioned and to my horror this is exactly what he is like
    All the points are correct at the beginning of the relationship
    Right to what is happening at the moment
    I am currently waiting for all the red tape to go through on a apartment so I can get put of this relationship
    I feel all the points mentioned
    But luckily I have lots of support from family and friends and I am a strong willed person so I know I will be alright
    My point been is that now I have read and realized exactly what he is what are my next steps
    Do I just leave or do I report this to someone
    Any advice please

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo


      Thank you for sharing how you came to realize what you’ve been up against. Your fiance has already started the discard process/phase. There is nothing you can say or do that will change this person’s mind. He’s already got a new plan in place, and you’re simply an obstacle to fulfilling his plans.

      Although easier said than done, for now, it’s best to leave with grace and with your dignity in tact. From experience, unless your fiance financially robbed or raped you and you have solid proof, there’s no one to formally report him to. It’s also advised NOT to reach out to his new girlfriend or lover. His family won’t be open to listening, either. You’re on your own, but you’ve got this, OK? You can do this.

      You may never experience anything else in your life more difficult than this. It’s confusing and leaves one feeling ashamed, lost, disoriented, and unloved. This is a time of mourning, and you’ll need others to support you…friends and professionals. DO NOT ISOLATE YOURSELF. I suggest a grief counselor or a therapist who understands that you’re experiencing post-traumatic stress. You want a counselor won’t take what you say lightly or expect you to “get over” the relationship. You’re not suffering from depression. This is more than that. It’s a shock to your system…to your core values and beliefs. You’ve been ambushed and thrown into a dark place, a place you never asked to be taken to.

      In order to come back to YOU, you must be open and receptive to uncovering everything you’ve ever shoved away and denied yourself since you were a small child. You’re never going to be the same again and that OK. You’re going to be someone who is open, aware, and hopeful. Trust yourself. Trust your inner strength. Of course, I recommend mindfulness practices like yoga, meditation, and energy mastery healing. These tools will help you quiet your mind of the constant rumination in order to allow you to see and think clearly.

      Your fiance stumbled upon your path for a reason. He’s not your teacher, and he’s not your mirror. The relationship served to open doors within yourself you’d previously been too afraid to open. You were never meant to live an unconscious existence. You’re destined for a much greater purpose. This is not the end. However, this is the beginning.

      With care,

  11. Sadgirl

    Where to begin… I am only one day in to having just cut all ties with my ex whom I believe to be a narcissistic sociopath. I’m feeling distraught and such a mix of emotions. I’ve been looking all night at this website and various forums and I can see now clear as day, that I have been a victim of an evil nasty sociopath. We met a year ago and within 5 days he told me he loved me and I was his soulmate. And he seemed to be mine. We seemed to have so much in common and I’ve never in my life felt so loved and adored by anyone. We had 3 blissful months where I just felt so special and it was all so perfect. During this time, he asked to marry me. I was ecstatic and said yes and we decided that April 2017 was when we would get married. I went dress shopping with my mum, ordered a dress, my parents put a deposit down on a venue for us. All the while he was adoring me. He’d call and message me all day every day and I loved hearing from him. Then I went on a trip for a few days with my brother and my ex seemed to be really irritated by this. He didn’t like that I wasn’t available all the time and didn’t have wifi to Skype with him. I began to get really fed up with his irritable and somewhat depressed behaviour after a couple of days (A side of him I hadn’t seen). And so I asked him what the problem was and challenged his irrational behaviour, explaining that I was on holiday and he was making me feel guilty for having a nice time. This is when the emotional abuse started in our relationship…. I thought it was our first argument, but the emotional torture went on for weeks. Just like that he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore and said that I should call the wedding off (At this point my parents had paid almost £6000 worth of non refundable deposits) and called me a whore and just said such vile things to me. Things I couldn’t even comprehend at the time. He became void of all emotion and for days he just gave me the silent treatment. I tried to call, to email. Anything to reason with him. But he was just cold and nasty. I even ended up apologising for anything I did to offend him. Begging him to talk. But no. 3 weeks later after him flitting between telling me he loved me and then verbally abusing me from one day to the next, I finally saw him and he was cool as a cucumber. No apology, no recognition of what he put me through and he had just talked about himself and how hard life had been for him (oh and how he had killed 3 people during those 3 weeks!!). Nothing to do with me or us, or our wedding. He just wouldn’t acknowledge it. Only spoke about him. I like an idiot, felt incredibly sorry for him and felt like he really needed me and my help. And so I just let it all go. What had happened. And the fact that the wedding seemed to be off (Without any discussion). I can’t believe I did that. Just let that go like it’s normal! My parents of course lost all the money. But I still carried on supporting him. Paying for his gas, feeding him. I let him stay with me for 2 months because according to him “he had no money and couldn’t keep a job because he always ended up with an asshole for a boss. And everyone around him was destroying him and he had no friends.” I had to help this man who I loved so much. I don’t know why. But during this time I learnt to not challenge him on anything. Because that’s when his nasty evil side would come out. And as long as I didn’t disagree with him on anything, he was so gorgeous and loving to me. Then a couple of weeks before Christmas, after I’d helped get him back on his feet, he started to become distant again. He was suddenly less available. He was distracted with other things. He no longer seemed to have as much interest in me. Again I was just heartbroken and confused. I was however becoming angry with his treatment of me and my heart. So just after Christmas after him giving me the silent treatment on and off for days, I told him I’d had enough and it was over. He just said “ok no problem.” And that was it. He didn’t fight me on it and I didn’t hear from him. I managed 2 weeks of hell. Missing his love for me. Missing how it felt when we met. Convinced he was in fact my soulmate, I got back in touch with him. And I apologised for how I’d treated him and told him how much I loved him and that I would do anything for him etc… (I’m an idiot, I know). He was pleasant enough to keep me interested, but pretty cold. He’d drop in the odd “I love you” or “I miss you” over the weeks that followed. That was mid January. And since then he’s just kept me hanging. Not saying he wants me, but not letting me go and saying he couldn’t bare to see me with someone else, Saying how we’re soulmates with the deepest connection so if it’s meant to be the universe will make it happen at some point. But also saying that right now he’s on a “Him” journey. Disappearing for days, then suddenly messaging me saying “Hi” like nothings happened. And so yesterday, I finally challenged him. I finally asked him who he thinks he is keeping me hanging. Of course it turned into a barrel of verbal abuse from him. I’ve just let it happen to myself and I feel so incredibly stupid and lost and just devastated. But I put the phone down and I deleted his number, blocked him on everything and am determined to move on from this evil person. I just don’t know how to right now…….. Thanks for listening 🙂

    • Kay Nichols

      It’s very easy to move on if you go no contact and never let him back in your life again . He has been playing you from the beginning and your head knows it . Your heart needs to catch up and lose this guy because he will destroy you if you let him .

    • Raelynn

      I’m sorry but no one here seemed to address that you said your NS killed 3 people in 3 days????? I hope this was one of his lies. But at the very least he’s fantasizing about it??? Very disturbing.

      • KSB

        I noticed this too and found it quite disturbing. I wonder if this could be clarified as to what that meant? Is he a cop or something? or was “killed” used as a metaphor to mean got rid of people in his life? Very strange.

  12. Kristina

    I divorced my husband of 12 years in 2009. I find out he was living a double life. My attorney, shared with me a book called “Malignant Self Love”. I was shocked, I had been living with this person for so long. He made me believe that he was superior, slowly I became weaker, and weaker as the years went by, I gave in to every little argument. Our first child was born in 2006 and second in 2008. His affair started 1 1/2 years prior to our daughter being born. When the divorce was final, I received custody of our 3 year old son and 1 year old daughter. 7 years after that, my x threw a bomb shell at me. He filed for custody of our kids. Told the court that I was having multiple relationships and bringing men into my home. He spoke to the same guardian ad litem, a had during the divorce case. She was completely charmed by him. He had married his mistress, going to church. Nice house. She sided on behalf of him, stating that I was emotionally unstable. And he was granted custody of our children. We have hint custody, and my children still cry when they have to go home back to their father and stepmother.
    All these years off abuse, and I can’t prove any of it. How do you prove someone is a narcissist? He still controls me emotionally, I’m scared to even look him in the eyes. How can you prove someone a narcissist in a court of law?

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Kristina, I’m sorry this has happened to you. What you’ve experienced is not uncommon. Have you checked out Reach out to Tina Swithin, who was successful at proving her ex a narcissist in court. Sending you lots of positivity and light! <3

  13. Liz

    Sadly I married a narcissistic sociopath. At the beginning told I was the love of his life, written love letters, given gifts and now I look back at that time and see it wasn’t real. He was in love with love, not me.
    Slowly things changed; the anger was never his fault- angry at his parents, his work etc. I believed him; I thought when all the small things were better, he would be happy. But when these things did go away, the anger didn’t.
    Years went by with my confidence taking a daily bashing- if I only could do more, find the right word, do the right thing then he would be nice and happy and everything would be good. But there was no magic word; I could never do enough, be enough for him.
    His anger started spilling over with the children so then I was constantly on edge- ever tried using a naughty step as a punishment for a child but only allowing 1 minute as her noise would send him into a fury. Yet I excused his anger as he was tired with work, stressed.
    But the truth was, I see now, he wasn’t any more stressed than me. In fact I earned more, worked longer hours and was far more successful in my career than he was in his. He is a barrister- Oxford law degree, posh accent and highly intelligent. The reality was he had far more to be thankful for than most but he could see or feel any of it. He envied his wealthy clients who ran funds and were worth hundreds of millions-he should have that wealth. Then and only then would he be happy.
    But the darkness in our marriage grew and he started to frighten me into panic attacks- just looking at his hate filled face. And then he started an affair but truthfully I was glad he wasn’t there at weekends. And then one day my au pair told me how she saw him punch our daughter in the neck and it took saving her, not me, to stop him. I called the police. And luckily we moved but not before he frightened us so badly with threats and breaking in. And then my 7 year old told me how he sexually abused her. The ultimate in controlling deviant behaviour.
    Sociopathic narcissists feel an expectation to be served and a god given right to abuse and do as they wish. They lie, in fact they lie even when they don’t need to. They can’t hide their evil selves forever but when the mask comes off, their ugliness is truly horrific. I amnt a very religious person but I saw my ex husband twice with his mask fully off and it gave me panic attacks for weeks. Hate filled creatures from the depths of a Tolkien novel.
    But after 2 years in a family court, as police screwed up their case, he was found guilty of abusing us all and is never allowed to see the children again. The Anna Freud report saw right through him and said he was a danger even if his visits to the children were supervised by an expert. You see true narcissist sociopaths can’t see who they are; they look in the mirror and see normal. We are the abnormal ones. We are the stupid victims who believe them.
    So you can get away from such monsters and you just have to look back and rebuild yourself- I have a good job and am well educated. I don’t think I look like a victim but I was. I believed that man. I believed all he said because why wouldn’t you. Why would you think that someone is so evil that they get kicks from slowly destroying you. But that is who they are- plain and simple. So you can’t change them; you can’t live with them; you need to gather every ounce of strength and walk away and not engage or look back.
    And yes you stand up to them but on your terms- don’t play games or lose your dignity; they feed on emotion and control so you never give them any- use agencies against them. Mine is currently suing the child support agency as he loves to act in court- but let them waste their energies. Now I see him as sad, weak creature who can’t ever be happy- can you imagine that. Awful. And if you have kids with them then you protect your kids from their manipulative abusive ways. Because one parent’s love is enough to fill a child and counter the bile that emanates from the narcissist. I am lucky in so many ways- poorer but so so happy.

  14. Anonymous

    there’s a man in weymouth UK – who exploits women online 3 at a time. i have proof i cannot share – he lies about marital status via omission and exploited one from US, one from Spain, one from Hungary – he waits to hear they have been put in a vulnerable position and grooms all the while before hand – pretends to be what he is not. Gaslights, lies like nobodies business right to your face – baits and bashes and uses extremely severe forms of “silence abuse” – and fits everything on your list. he’s getting away with it. and that’s the hardest thing to watch – he purposefully humiliates women and derives joy from it. he wastes years of your life – asking you to give what he could never give – and talk anyone and I mean ANYONE into putting aside their own principles. and in the end no one believes it. the things that run through one’s mind after having been essentially raped by deception – and having had their entire life destroyed – and watching them get away with it is too much for one to wrap ones head around. thanks for sharing your story. they leave you in chains of all kinds don’t they and could care less.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      What they do is diabolical. It’s traumatic. And, like you mention, few people understand it for what it is unless they’ve experienced it for themselves. Sending you lots of healing vibes !

      • Anonymous

        thank you pm much appreciated. sending you the same healing vibes –

    • Anonymous

      Hi. My ex is a textbook narc sociopath, do you find in the U.K. It’s not as well known as in the US? I have real difficulty getting anyone to understand what he is as everyone hears sociopath and thinks it means psychopath! Nor does anyone understand the emotional abuse they cause. Mine lives off of single mums, is very good at the love bombing stage that he continues throughout the relationship, lies about the most stupid things and cheats, which he covers well, has no regard for feelings though he can fake/copy others well and has 4 children with different mums. None of which he sees. He is currently married to someone he has known a year.

      • jules

        Hi. I live in the UK, was with a narcissist for 18 months and only discovered there was such a disorder at the discard stage. It’s been the most painful experience of my life and i, like many others, have learnt some hard lessons about what people are capable of.
        I knew his behaviour wasnt normal or acceptable but i couldnt put a name to it until i stumbled across it on the internet. I have a very good understanding of NPD, sociopathic and psychopathic behaviours now. Mine was extremely covert, is able to hold down jobs okay(ish) and has made a good financial nest egg for himself through property management. Some like him are very sucessful, which irks me! However, he is emotionally barron and will never enjoy a long and lasting relationship and i hope he dies alone and unloved which is no less than he deserves. Harsh i know, but he has inflicted too much pain for me to feel any pity for him.

        • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

          Thank you, Jules. Regardless of his material “success”, you’re correct…he’ll NEVER, EVER experience the emotional and spiritual “success” of being deeply and unconditionally connected to another. 🙂

  15. Becca

    I think my ex is a narc sociopath. He was horribly burned by his mother as a child and grew up in a group home. I think he uses his scars to gain sympathy. He told me that he killed someone who raped a woman. I wasn’t sure he was truthful but later in our relationship he said he killed 3 people. He said he knew I was non judgmental and he could tell me the truth. He is in prison because he violated his probation but will get released soon.

    • Deb

      I just got out of a 5 yr off and on relationship with a narcissistic sociopath, I’ve lost two houses because of him and now live in a two bedroom apartment which i hate. we were supposed to move in together again, we were engaged, but a week before we were to move, he pulled the plug never to speak to me again. This is a 56 yr old man who dumped my by text. no explanation. nothing. He would get angry when i didn’t agree with him. he would act like a two yr old grumpy old fart when i got home from work wanting to be happy. he has lied to everyone about everything this whole time. He is incapable of anything good, love, compassion, empathy. He thinks he is my teacher, that i know nothing. I am so glad now to start a new chapter in my life but i will always always watch my back because he cannot be trusted. He once slashed my tires when i didn’t know it was him just so he could drive me a few hours away to a job i was training for. Master manipulation but it did not work in his favour at the time. Now i know it was him. He never seems to go away. he will again try to contact me like a parasite. he is dead to me and always will be. he even tried to kill himself a few yrs ago because i wouldn’t take him back. he worked and worked on me and got what he wanted again then just tossed me away once he had his fun. Too many yrs wasted. The cruelty of people is tremendous and I will never understand it.

  16. Simon D

    It’s very reassuring and somewhat psychologically empowering for me to read articles like this. Okay, psychologically empowering enough to keep me plodding on when I feel THOROUGHLY miserable and THOROUGHLY beaten, which is too often. My siblings are sociopaths, one sister I’d describe as a psychopath (ie: violent sociopath). I am a socially isolated carer for my elderly mother who has Alzheimers, having reluctantly returned to my hometown (and family household) after having my life in another part of the country – my siblings exploit/ed our parents, incapable of caring acts for the sake of caring. I now only exist and function: emotionally, life is hell but I’ve no options, only the dire consequences of failure. Close your eyes, grit your teeth, keep going. If Mum DIDN’T own her own house (in London), my siblings would most certainly be indifferent and so would move on to other “marks”. I certainly do not love life, only the principle of it being a soul development process. I fear for my emotional wellbeing, mid-term, long-term. If I get there. My NPD parasitic brother is a huge problem for us – especially now that he’s moved in his parasitic girlfriend – not that our mother can understand the constant ploys and abuses. I do ALL the caring, household chores and bill-paying (less the water bill which he pays). They pay no rent and do not contribute in kind – I simply have no leverage over him. I live in poverty and struggling debt, it’s purely a life of servitude. So far, he’s gotten away with the financial abuse of our Dad (my step father) which DIRECTLY led to him being admitted to hospital where he died. I’m forced to accept rather than challenge because of our Mum’s psychological fragility. But can I get any help from authorities?! Anyone?! Whilst the world around me ignores our plight, it’s good to have reference to his/their condition so that, one day, I can direct their enablers to this and, hopefully, get these people to realise what my siblings are about and how they manipulate people. If my life becomes mine again, I expect I’ll be a hermit. Don’t love anyone, 100% guaranteed keep the abusers away from my life, whatever my life means to me by then.

    • Kathleen

      So sorry, but I totally understand how you feel. Our lives are so very similar. I can’t even discuss it anymore. But my brothers are all NS/P and hurt and used me up. We are closing on Moms house. I couldn’t care less about them all. They are sick. Worse? After thinking I did a great job bring Super Mom, my son acts just like them. He ll have to go too I guess. I wish you healing and get away from them ASAP!!

  17. Thlema Smith

    My boyfriend of 6 months is all of the above mentioned. He is
    the most extreme Narcissistic Sociopaths you could ever imagine.
    Everyday he creates strife, chaos, disorder, hatred, immoral accusations of things that never took place, jealous to the core, defensive, manipulative, threatening, abusive emotional & mentally. One minute will act like he loves you the next like he hates you so that you have to constantly ask “Do you love me?. If you did why don’t you act like it. Pure evil, pure hatred!!! Like I’ve told him such a beautiful man on the outside but so vile & evil on the inside. He gets his kicks out of seeing me upset & in tears. Such a hateful man!!! So controlling & manipulative.

    • NotAVictim

      My bf of 6 months is the same way!! Very controlling, jealous & seems angry for no reason. He likes to provoke me. Today is my bday. He called several times, text me early this morn, not 1 time did he say happy bday, he didn’t forget! He talked to me about everything else, asked me about past guys and how many did I sleep w before him, just a bunch of off the wall crazy jealous questions, it made no sense. It seems like he was sadisticly trying to make me mad or upset and ruin my day. I never mentioned anything b/c I know he wanted me too, I’m not falling for that trap. He called 30mins ago and said, “oh yeah, Happy Birthday.” I said, “thanks” and he said, “ok, bye, and was laughing… The more I see the more I work on letting this go. The childish games they play, is mind-boggling.

    • Cassie

      Run. Run. You can not fix him. I’ve am finally getting a divorce, been married w 3 children for 24 years. It will be hard. But leave now. I’ve been w my husband for 26 years! I had know idea this was happening to me. It was so textbook, but I was so unaware that these people are among us, much less married to one. Leave and never look back. Stop all communication w him. Only will try to muniplate. Start getting your life back now!

    • D.J.

      I’m a 64 year old mama of an NS,and would you believe I just found out about 30 minutes ago.”Talk about,in the DARK.. HOW STUPID,I’VE BEEN,for the last,27years, he just turned,35years old,THIS MONTH .When I looked up those 2 words,NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH ,I HAD SEEN SOMETHING ABOUT IT ON T.V.,AND IT SOUNDED SO,I looked it up and it was like reading about my SON…SO MUCH ABUSE,PHYSICAL,EMOTIONAL,MENTAL,ALL OF THE above.
      It is now about 3:30am and this is the first time I’ve ever wrote anything on line like this.But I had to ,after seeing other people responding , being able to even understand what has been going on all these years ,with my son..He has always been EXTREMELY SMART!!! HE HAS MADE ME JUST ABOUT BELIEVE,THAT I’M THE ONE THAT NEEDED HELP AND THAT I WAS THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD. I’M SORRY BUT I’M STILL TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ALL OF THIS,I could talk,and cry for weeks ,no years about ,all that has happened.I’ve been crying for,, years,wanting and trying to help him ,and he said he didn’t need help ,he knew more than any DOCTOR, but that was about anything and everything he knew more than everybody, he had studied everything in school and college,Nobody could tell him anything…
      And their is no doubt in my mind , he has already studyed and read all about NS…HOW CAN I GET HIM HELP??? FOR YEARS I’VE BEEN SO AFRAID SOMEBODY WAS GOING TO GET SO MAD AT HIM THEY WOULD WANT TO BEAT HIS BUT OR WORSE…I LOVE MY SON SO MUCH I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HELP HIM.. SOMEBODY OUT THERE,PLEASE HELP !! IF HE KNEW I WAS TALKING ABOUT HIM ,I WOULD BE,,,IN A LOT OF TROUBLE, WITH HIM…I SUPPOSE THAT IS WHY I HAD A SECURITY SYSTEM SET UP IN MY HOME YESTERDAY,NO FRIDAY, BEEN UP ALL NIGHT AGAIN DON’T SLEEP VERY WELL, I DON’T PUT ANYTHING passed him anymore,I’m very afraid of him, even more now after reading about NS,UNBELIEVABLE…Thank you for any help ahead of time…I’m afraid to put my real name for my safety reasons… Help, and if I can help someone out there please let me know…

      • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

        I’m really sorry you’ve made this discovery. Have you considered finding help for yourself first before you attempt to help your son? I mean no disrespect to you when I say this. He’s not interested in changing, so how do you propose you would even begin helping him? He won’t agree to see a therapist. Besides, if he were to agree, it would only be to learn more tricks to manipulate and harm you and others. I also want to stress that this is NOT your fault. This is not because you didn’t raise him properly or give him everything he needed. I’m sure you gave him MORE than he needed. How he is is NOT your burden or your responsibility to correct…if there were a possibility of making a correction. Love him, but love him from a safe and protected distance. Pray he doesn’t harm anyone. Pray for his inner demons to be expelled.

    • Ari Cantu

      Oh man just reading your post I know how You feel I am glad I am not alone! My bf of 7year which we have 3 kids together. Treats me the same exact way. Do not stay in the relationship it gets worse with time.

    • Sherry

      I have a husband of 4 years who does what you mentioned. He also is a gaslighter he convinces everyone I am a bad wife and everything is my fault nothing is his. He belittles me and confuses me so that I can’t stand up for myself. For a while I’ve felt sort of crazy wondering what I’ve down to make him hate me. When I think and really try to sort it out I haven’t done anything. He’s even convinced me I’m a awful wife. Today i read a book called controlling people it helped me however I’m still feeling sad, frustrated ask myself what have I done? I really haven’t done anything. So why is he trying to destroy me?

  18. AJ

    I am a victim too. It was a very terrible experience and still is. But, with the help of all of Paula’s articles and etc. I am a lot better. My ex narc hole boss was married and wanted an affair, when he didn’t get his way he threatened, bullied, and made life a living hell for me and everyone else. He had cheated on his wife many times and always blamed it on her or the other women. He felt because he was running a business and under much stress that he should be allowed to do whatever, to whomever, whenever, and the expense of everyone. He mismanaged company funds and they fired him and he went out and formulated umpteen LLC’s and still treats all his clients with disdain and total disregard. He is still bothering younger women and his wife is financially, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually abused. They all put on one big act and song and dance show that they are the perfect little business people and Christians. What a complete and utter joke to God and everyone else. It’s amazing when narcs or socios finally start having things catch up to them for all the lying, exploiting, cheating, stealing, using others that they STILL don’t see the light. That they are the ones in each and every equation they cause or it is always someone else to blame. Hopefully, one day God willing there will be a total karmic shift or some form of spiritual awakening that they will reap what the sow and finally have to feel the pain, hurt, humiliation that they dish out to others. In the meantime I can only focus on growth, love, and healing. Thank you Paula for all that you do! 🙂

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      You’re welcome, AJ. Thank YOU! 🙂 <3

  19. Marie

    I was 22 he was 43. I always went for the Oder men that fed on younger girls with “daddy issues” and he was no different. Besides “daddy issues” I had been dealing with an addiction to drugs most my life and he was a drug dealer, in the beginning most would have assumed that I was using him to get drugs for free, a pretty young girl who everyone seemed to like I was funny and the most caring person most people had ever met and he took full advantage of my need to help, to save and to see that no one ever felt the pain I did. He was rude arrogant loud and short tempered but never towards me, at least in the beginning. As time went on and he felt he was a big enough part of my life that I couldn’t just walk away it started small. He got controlling and possessive and like a child he would throw tantrums full out screaming on the floor tantrum like a toddler at the super market. Then it progressed to throwing fits in public to embarrass me knowing I have anxiety and trying to make it seem as though I was treating him in some unfair and disrespectful way and everyone there needed to know how bad I was to him. He would call my friends and te them lies about me talking bad behind their back or me stealing from them and him or tell them how I just use them and laugh about it to him when that wouldn’t work he would make it so much of an ordeal for me to go out it wasn’t worth it, if I didn’t bring him he would use it against me and make my life hell by calling off the hook threatning to go after my friends or cheat on me or he would just show up where I was and make a huge scene often to the point cops would be called. So I would invite him and that was worse if he wasn’t the center of attention or if I talked to anyone for to long it would enrage him but the worst was if i was makig everyone laugh he would attack me with hurtful “jokes” then it would turn to screaming at me and cornering me even raising his hand to me a few times. Eventually it wasn’t worth it to go out not that anyone invited me anyways. Being stuck with him all of the time make things worse all we did was fight once I was at the point of walking away things became physical throughout the relationship he obtained three separate assault charges for attacking two of those times I ended up in hospital but those were only the ones that someone was their to witness and cal the police. After each time my friends would try to collect my belongings from him and he would always say that “everyone needs to stop solving my problems for me, that’s the reason I can’t do anything for myself and I’m lazy”, but on numerous occasions he would beg for me to either lend him money because he came up short or for me to get one of my friends to lend him money that he would drag paying back and make every excuse why it wasn’t his fault and most of the time blaming me for his inability to pay back. On one occasion he called me crying when I met up with him he gave me 20 minutes to find $2000 for him and when I couldn’t do it he said that it was my fault he was going to get beat because I failed him. Another time he borrowed money off my friend we weren’t even dating at the time then when he couldn’t pay back he came up with this extravagant story how it was my fault even though I had absolutely no knowledge of the transaction to begin with. When we split for the last time he went on his usual campaign against me even going as far as to put explicit videos of me on the internet. Right now he is in jail for his assaults and another charge so he hasn’t been able to contact me and even though I have a restraining order in place I fear that once he’s released he’s going to either try to reconcile with me or go back to trying to ruin my life his own words. Is there ever a case where someone like him cuts their loss and moves on quietly or will he see how much I’ve grown and changed and how happy I’ve become since he’s been gone and come back to finish what he started.

  20. Yikes

    I’m female, married to nsp , 17 yrs younger than I , for 17 years. Charming , cunning , manipulative & extremely affectionate & attentive. He got me hook line and sinker being the classic enabler that I am.
    Though he appears to be all in and devoted to our marriage , he walks a fine relationship line between me and all of them + “her”.
    I’m trying to figure out my next move because he preys on my understanding , calm & stable maturity ..ready to leave me again to pursue his music career with “her” , who he can exploit sexually and financially because he turned her into a sexualised play thing. She used to be a fat dumpy intelligent lawyer , but the chameleon infected her too, so now she can provide the money and freedom to help with his career and his predatory sexual appetite.
    I’ll get back to you once I know if this will be “the last time …”

    • Collette Andrews

      Get out NOW. If you know all this information why continue to let him manipulate you. Are you a glutton for punishment? Or are you simply trolling for sympathy? Donnot waste my time with this idiotic story.

  21. Cole

    Please help me. My life has been turned upside down by a man in my life who is a high functioning narcissistic sociopath. We have been involved intimately for over 2 years, known each other for almost 4. It has always been a roller coaster. The first six months of dating he was in love with me and wanted to marry me and so on. Only to find out he cheated on, manipulated, used and lied to me the entire time. I ended up $5600 in debt, no self esteem and destroyed. After not speaking to one another for some time, he came back into my life. I was cautious at first but then his charm took over and I fell in love all over again. At first it SEEMED as though things were fine…then the lies and threats (do this for me or else I will never talk to you again) and cheating started again. So, the friends phase began…but it was still intimate and only on his terms. Then we’d go back to being together, then he would tell me he needed space and I was out and back again. Swearing there was no one else. Very recently he admitted he is a Narcissistic Sociopath. I thought it was an excuse. Nope. We spent 72 hours held up in his place so he could lay everything bare to me. He would actually laugh about things he had been doing to other women. I know everything now. Well, probably not everything. So, normal people would leave. They would run. Why can’t I leave? Why do I still want to have him in my life? Why do I still want to be with him? I’m crazy, aren’t I? There’s something seriously wrong with me, isn’t there?

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      You’re NOT crazy! You’re highly sensitive and empathic. More importantly, you’re afraid to lose his approval, because his approval and acceptance of you has become a type of drug. Plus, he’s presented himself to you as a “sick” person who needs to be fixed. (Narcissistic Sociopaths CAN’T be fixed by the way. They just get better at fooling people into thinking they’re fixed and normal.) You’re a rescuer, and he’s placed you in a role/mission. If you meet the demands and challenges, he’ll offer you approval and acceptance, right? You don’t want to be one of the people/women he laughs about, right? So the only thing that’s WRONG with you is you’re putting HIM first and not yourself. WHY? Why do you trust HIM before you trust yourself? 🙂

    • Julia

      Thank you for sharing your story. Plz plz plz know there is NOTHING wrong with you. I just got out of a relationship with a full-blown NS. He has not only attempted to destroy my character, spirit, and sanity, but when I called him out on his abusive behavior, deceit, lies, etc. he went in to a “loose cannon” rage, and flipped the script, mentally tearing me to pieces, and trying to prove to his family, friends, and our neighbors on what a horrible person I am. I turned a blind eye before, and although saw subtle signs, which later on were of monumental proportions, refused to believe the man that I sacrificed everything for, who claimed he would risk his life to save mine (another one of his manipulative lies, considering he has thrown me under the bus several times before, and humiliated me in public) would betray me. But of course according to him, I never caught him in a lie, or caught him red handed cheating (yeah I never caught him physically having sex with someone else, only found other woman’s things in our car, house, unaccounted hours being gone, finding out he wasn’t at work when he said he was, finding receipts at places he wasn’t suppose to be, not coming home until after 6-7am, and a shitload of other obvious evidence). Still a part of me questioned or doubted certain things because it’s easy to do that when you are in love with someone..You (and any other NS victims) don’t deserve the continued misery and torment, it won’t get better EVER if you allow him to keep control and power over you..YOU are important, valuable, worthy, and deserve someone to truly love you, because NS’s don’t know love it’s all superficial. They know how to fabricate, pretend, and manipulate. I pray that you break free from this hell like I did. Although I’m still experiencing a lot of pain, anger, and frustration, I’ve never felt more peace and relief. Take your freedom back, take your power back, take your life back. It’s more precious than anything. Take Care and God bless us all.

    • Steph

      you are feeding on drama, and there is something that you are getting out of staying stuck… attention maybe?

      • Sherry

        No its not attention it’s the fact they make you feel like you are wrong you are hurting them and your relationship so you want to fix it. It’s brainwashing they make you feel bad and connected. It’s not for attention.

    • suzie

      what are you getting out of this?? have you tried counselling?

    • Sherry

      Please read the book controlling people it’s not you. I still have issues wondering if it’s Me so I keep re-reading the book and it makes more sense then he ever has. It will help you understand yourself and why your still with him. Dont try to understand him you can’t. Learn to understand why you put up with it so you can get your strength back and leave for good.

  22. Tammi

    I married a sociopath almost a year ago after dating him for a month. This sounds crazy to most but he told me and showed me that he was my soulmate. Three weeks after we got married he started calling me names, he convinced me to set up a joint account. He had women calling him at 4:30 in the morning, who I found out he was emailing, texting and seeing behind my back. As the months went on things got worse. I demanded answers and communication and he twisted everything around on me. He would record me for ‘evidence’ or to show other people to make me look like the bad guy. He was calm and collected and he would degrade me, insult me, use my shortcomings against me, verbally abuse me, emotionally abuse me, gaslight me, threaten other women against me.
    While we were married another women he was with for over year before us had his baby. He told me he slept with this women a couple times and she came to him half way through the pregnancy and when he asked her for a paternity test she declined and that was not his baby. Turns out it is and he lied to me about everything to do with it. That story was told to me in a way that was very believable.
    He had another cell phone that I found and when I questioned him about it and demanded to know what was going on, he told me to get out. He called my mother and told her I was in bed for 2 days drinking and I was out of my mind and needed to go…a made up story to divert the attention away from himself because he just got caught cheating on me.
    I filed for divorce and he won’t sign the papers, but hired an attorney so I will have to pay an attorney more than I have because he is asking for alimoney and a bunch of other things.
    The guy is a sociopath through and through. I have nothing now and when I met him, I had everything I needed. I have no money, no job, no place of my own because he had us evicted from MY apartment I lived in for 5 years before I met him.
    I am trying to get back on my feet, but it’s hard. I’m in debt now. My self esteem is shot and I feel victimized and ask myself everyday how I could of let this happen or what could I have done differently to prevent this. I’m well educated, have a great career, I’m kind, honest and caring, responsible and well liked and happy and he saw all of that as what he needed to use me and he did whatever it took to make that happen.
    I’m not happy right now. I’m going back on antidepressants because I can’t get myself out of this slump of him ruining my life. I had to move in with my family and this whole thing is devastating. He’s just living his life, degrading me, seeing the women he’s been seeing behind my back and laughing at me. It’s not fair that people like him can keep doing this to people.
    There is much more to this story. He has a history of doing this to women which I just found out. He’s a habitual cheater, liar, con man. He’s everything a sociopath is and I married this guy!

  23. Kennesha

    I was married to one. The entire relationship was ten years. I managed to get out may of 2015.

    He still is trying to cause conflict and cause harm against my name. It’s not working. His family and I still communicate and they keep me updated on his shenanigans.

    I have a whole lot to type about my story but I will try to keep it short. I ended up having two of his children, which he doesn’t even care about. He has used them in his little unsuccessful game and is still losing.He even got mad at me one day because I wouldn’t do what he said so he sat my then two year old by the car and drove off while I was still in the car. When I cursed him out about it he told me I was making a big deal out of nothing. My poor son, fell one day at church with his sperm donor. He cut his eye pretty bad and was bleeding every where. His sociopathic “dad” yelled at him “I CAN NEVER GET ANY PEACE IN THE SANCTUARY! I EXPECT THIS OUT OF YOUR SISTER NOT YOU! I AM SO PISSED OFF AT YOU RIGHT NOW!”
    My son had just turned nine at the time. My son has also came out and told me that his “dad”used to beat him and talk bad to him while I was gone to work. This went on for years and I had no idea.
    Whenever he had the kids he wouldn’t feed them, they were always hungry, never clothed properly and my daughter kept rashes on her legs and bottom from him not cleaning her.

    The last time my son went with him (september 2016) he took him to the child support office building, walked him around it twice while laying his hands on the building (it’s a big ass building too) and praying to Jesus. I comforted him about this by text….I only communicate with him via text so I can take it to court if I have to. He basically said I’m the one not cooperating as a parent, he can’t always get the kids when he is suppose to and never answered my question about the child support building. That is the last I have heard from him thank goodness. My life has been so much easier these past few months….

    He has talked sooo much crap and lies about me even after the divorce. He really thinks that it’s all my fault. After all of the abuse and lies I went through, the multiple women I found out about…(Even while I was pregnant) …the lies he told his friends about me while we were together and after. I mean….this man pulled a fun on me during the marriage for goodness sakes! If I ever bring it up he says “I need to get over the past”
    I really could go on and on with the stories I have and wouldn’t have room….

    I’ve had child protective services called on me by him, luckily the worker saw it was b.s. and didn’t go forward. Multiple police reports from keeping my youngest at home because of the neglect, he filed a court case against me…… the motion was “Kennesha takes the law into her own hands and makes laws from her own heart” yet claimed it was about seeing his kids. We all know he was trying to just find a way to scare me because he lost his control. The night before court he sent a text stating “we don’t have to go to court I just want to see my kids”
    If that were true he would have picked them up like he was suppose to. Yet he would lie on his days to get the kids. When he did get them he would neglect or abuse them, then when i would keep one or both of them home he made it seem like it was my fault…..

    He even said it was my fault he cheated…. ” I cheated because you have dreadlocks”
    “Oh I only texted those women because you weren’t sleeping with me”
    Instant sleeping with him because he cheated….. duh. Yet it was my fault…

    He has had three jobs in one year. He keeps quoting because of child support. He doesn’t feel he has to pay me because I divorced him and ruined the family….
    I can laugh at this now. (Not the abuse but the lies) the abuse still pisses me off at times but the stupid childish lies…..give me fuel and a giggle to keep it moving.

    When I say the arrogance of this individual is sickening. People have mentioned how his charm is on overload but when they get to know him they see him for what he really is. A mentally distributed individual. He even goes around saying “I used to be a sociopath but Jesus saved me” ???
    I want to start a blog or website NAMING these individuals and putting their antics on front street so other people know to stay far away and let these individuals fend for them selves and stop leaching off of good people then trying to ruin there lives for fun.

    I am managing to find my strength day by day. It hasn’t been easy, my kids are the ones who will need help in the future from all of this. They don’t understand how monsters look like people and how to stay away from them. Wish me luck.

    • Gail

      I was married to a similar man for thirty six years
      I feel so stupid for staying with him I feel like I wasted the youthful part of my whole adult life with this twisted man
      I am most sorry for being so gullible and putting our children through so much abusive crap I have expressed to my children how sorry that I am
      I tell them that I have no excuses or defense for all of the years of abuse during the reign of terror that they were raised in
      I accept the blame and my part in all of this mess
      I can only offer myself as a source of strength when they express to me their anger
      I can understand why they might feel that I am just as much to blame for the abuse because I couldn’t always protect them
      No child should have to feel unsafe and continually upset and unsettled in their own home
      The kids are grown now and each of them bears the scars of the emotional and physical abuse inflicted upon them by their own father
      Fortunately each of them has their own inner strength
      They are thriving successful adults now
      They tell me that they don’t blame me but I think down inside of them there is still turmoil because there has been no closure or apologies from their father
      He left abruptly went no contact and divorced me with absolutely no discussion
      I was left hanging with no answers to anything
      He manipulated the attorneys he got a favorable divorce for himself and left me in a financial lurch
      Oh well he can lie cheat and steal his way through life but I think one day he will pay the price
      His soul!!
      Just last year I discovered his infidelity it wasn’t just a mistaken love affair with one woman oh no what I discovered was a sick collection of several women who he was having sex with
      He would even get up in the wee hours of the morning and travel over four hundred miles round trip to go be with one of these bottom feeders
      I think now that he was betraying me throughout our whole marriage
      After our third child was born a couple months post delivery I was diagnosed with a STD
      Thank god it was a curable one
      I was such a simpleton I didn’t even understand what he had done or even make the connection to the fact that he was cheating on me
      Looking back I thought that I had contracted an infection from a complicated delivery
      My ex even conveyed to me that this was the case
      I had two other toddlers in tow so I had no time to ponder over the real truth
      I should bang my head on a cement curb for my degree of stupidity!
      He was even diagnosed as positive and was put on antibiotics
      (I was only twenty four and obviously oblivious to the ways of the narcissist world of lies lies and more lies)
      He worked hundreds of miles away from our home
      I believed that we were sacrificing our time together so that he could devote his time to building up a nest egg for our retirement
      How this man could come home on the weekends look me straight in the eye and lie about everything
      He would tell me how hard he was working
      Oh he was successful he made a six figure salary
      Which he hid from me
      But obviously was sharing with his nasty women
      And impressing other people by wining and dining them
      For me when I required funds for home and life
      His response was that I needed to cut back because we were short on funds
      Stupid me believed every word
      I have felt for years that something deep down inside of my ex was not right but I just couldn’t quite grasp what it was
      On the outside it was obvious that he wasn’t right his anger for no apparent reason his violent rages his continuous lies to cover up his initial lies
      My ex was such a mixed bag of emotions He could be sweet and helpful one moment then the slightest thing could send him into a violent rage
      Not many people outside of our family knew who this man was He was kind and generous and oh so others but behind closed doors At home a whole different personality
      He never bonded with his children
      I actually feel that he despised their existence
      The kids were the center of my attention and he didn’t approve
      He rarely helped with anything at home his job was to support our family I took on everything else
      How was I suppose to have time for him?
      He is very smart and talented He is very skilled in the Verbal art of self defense.If you cross him he will put you in your place and you won’t even realize that he just insulted your intelligence
      When the kids were little and he would go into a black out rage I would just stand there in front of my ex and push the kids behind me His eyes would dialate and his expressions and movements would resemble a mad dog
      He would even go as far to pull his shirt apart and pop all of the buttons off
      He would tear off his shirt pockets
      A couple of times he even ripped the pockets off of his jeans (try doing this it is almost impossible unless you have super human strength)
      Several times I took the blows physically and verbally I was a human shield for my children
      During my exes rages I would motion my kids to slowly move away
      I told them that when daddy gets so mad that they need to hide
      Nice! I am so stupid I was an enabler I didn’t understand what I was doing I didn’t understand the narcissist until just recently
      my story is complicated of why I never left our marriage I realize that the narcissist is tricky and that I was played I am so angry with myself for not knowing that the man that I loved the father of my children was mentally unstable he was sick
      His anger and rage were not due to just a bad day at work but that these traits were who he was inside and that no matter how many times I and the kids endured his wrath of abuse he wasn’t ever going to change
      The threats from my ex were real they were frightening and I thought that it was my responsibility to protect my children and other family members who my ex threatened to harm
      ( his threats weren’t always outwardly obvious they were subtle I always thought that if I didn’t comply harm would come to me the kids my parents or my siblings)
      In the end days of our marriage his mask of lies deception and betrayal were all falling he was exposed and I called him out
      Believe me narcissist/sociopaths do not like being exposed
      He divorced me as fast as he could He didn’t want anyone finding out about the true him
      He hides away in the shadows of life just looking for his next victim
      Like a snake
      I was fortunate that the kids were all grown up with lives of their own so he couldn’t use any of them as hostages my parents had passed on so he couldn’t threaten me with harm to them and my siblings were now aware of this mean cruel man
      I was able to trick him into agreeing to letting me move away to help a relative who was in Ill health
      ( in reality I was escaping his clutches relocating to a safe place)
      Ha ha ha you idiot!!!
      Finally I pulled the wool over his eyes for once
      In the past When his rage was over he always said
      “See what YOU! Made me do””
      I feel sorry for his next victims I’m sure that he will leave behind a trail of broken souls before his departure from this earth hopefully straight into the flames of hell
      I actually thought I knew who this man was
      But I didn’t !!
      I only say this because he chooses to be who he is he chooses cruelty over love
      He likes abusing and hurting the people who loved and trusted him
      I witnessed this man for thirty six years
      He loves to feel the power and the control over anyone that trust him believes his lies and adores and supports him
      I know I and his children have been his hostages and victims for years
      Now that we are all free the healing is taking place
      It has been almost a year now
      I won’t say that this process is easy I have never felt so crushed so emotionally and physically devastated
      I feel like he was a drug that I was addicted to
      I have gone through the stages of grief I think I have just entered the final stage of acceptance
      Although on occasion I do fall back into the grieving stage
      but the feelings of the love and compassion and commitment I once had for this man that once was my husband and father to our children are fading
      I am slowly healing and discovering myself and that there is still time to heal and to enjoy life again
      My family is on a road of strength and healing our broken hearts are mending and our eyes are wide open to all of the possibilities of a positive life
      I see a great future ahead of all of us without the narcissist/sociopath trying to break our spirit
      My hope is that anyone who is being abused sees though the abuser and can find a way to escape before anymore time is wasted on a person who will not change their behavior
      Be a survivor not their victim It’s not you and you are not crazy for your feelings
      These people like my ex are cruel They are the crazy ones
      Your best defense is to educate yourself on the abuse of the narcissist and then make a plan to escape as soon as you can

    • Paradise

      You give me strength! 17 yrs! Finally waking up! All I can do is cry thinking all the years wasted on such a creep! Please start something, to get the word out!we have young girls already welling to except this abuse! But not only did I suffer from this man, but my mother, and brother has the same issues! Damn whole family! I’m so low on energy! I speak deliverance! My story is a book and a movie! Parts 1,2,3, and 4! Thanks for getting out!!

  24. Yohali

    Damn. Dated a narcissistic sociopath for over a year.
    Charming and a decent person in general but deceptive and unrealistic once the relationship matured. Fell into the trap of thinking I could help them change once signs started creeping up, but sadly, I’ve just started to be real with myself, accept the loss; that I’ve been lied to, sold dreams, etc.
    Glad I didn’t commit (marriage, kids) when he proposed/ begged else I’d be stuck with him for life.
    *Shaking my head*…

    What a silly year.

  25. Melissa C

    I too am a victim of a narcissist/sociopath. I lost 12 years of my life beliving he could change. Trusting, but never trusting, the things he would tell me. He made me feel like I was a horrible person for not having faith and trust in him. Numerous jobs, more affairs than I even know about. He’s finally moved on to his next victim and after our child and I pick up the pieces we’ll be better off without him. Just knowing that this is an actual disorder and that I am not alone and that he really isn’t the “victim” he claims to be gives me hope that I can move on.

    • Tracy

      May I ask…How did U leave? When was enough enuf? I am so beat down, can not see straight or concentrate.
      I felt myself…my situation when I read yours. I’m scared.
      Thank you

      • Sherry

        For me it’s the fact no matter how much I tried he kept saying I messed everything up and I didn’t, I lost jobs because of him I lost friends I lost money I lost my car. He took it all and I didn’t even realize it until it was all gone even my my self confidence my happiness my comfort I have panic attacks and anxity I don’t trust anyone he took it all. It’s enough i don’t live with him now but I still talk to him and he still tries beating me down with his verbal abuse and telling me everything I’ve done even when I have not. He says I cheated he says I screw everyone I have ever been around. He left and moved out came back convinces me to let him back in my life then he breaks me again. It’s been hard getting away from him it’s the hardest time I’ve had leaving a relationship. It has to simply be a decision that you’ve had enough get all the help you can and go

  26. too soon to expose

    When my roommate also bff (male & I’m female) for 23 yrs now, brought this preditor to our home to meet me, I instantly felt knots in my gut & began to get very nervous. I packed a bag and fled to my folks to observe from afar. I didn’t know what came over me but felt VERY fearful of her. Extreme fear, like I’ve never felt. It was such evil,a kind of evil that you just don’t confront. I felt I needed to get a Bible & dive in. I did! I’ve NEVER ran from ANYONE. I am usually the one who checks for any monsters under his bed. I searched and found a match to 1 of my questions and that match sparked a flame, that flame turned into fire and wow wow wow. I had no idea these people hide and lurk in the shadows just waiting to devour lives and expect to go undetected. They are jabbed in the chest with an evil finger when the rest of us are blessed by the hand of God. This sounds like the rantings and ravings of a Bible thumper which I’m not, brought up as a devout Catholic. I do love my faith but not much for picking up a Bible to find answers. Usually a good prayer from the heart I get my answer. BUT NOT THIS TIME. I called in all the heavy hitters (Angels & Saints etc). First I turned to the internet to define EXACTLY what I was up against, this was all to remove her from my house & my bff who is by now becoming brainwashed. It couldn’t hurt to ask their help. Today it’s almost 1 year later & my bff is beginning to believe me because he himself on his own found some PROOF (it’s not staged proof she set up for him to find) evidence if what I’ve been saying is true. So now I see the light at the end of a very dark hole she has created.I won’t give up on him. I cant. I’m still not staying at my house, (you should see how she’s tried to destroy my position there ha but unsuccessfull) but it’s my home and as long as she thinks she’s gotten rid of me that’s ok. This is about saving my bff not me.Im fine. I’m not far away either. I see, I hear,Ive learned to strategize & I plan. All friends and neighbors have run off or jumped ship to avoid this, but I’m going to let it unfold and play out with a little nudge here and there when he’s at the low points I will swoop in and pick him up dust him off and show him a nice day can still be just, A nice day! As Hillary Clinton quoted Michelle Obama “when they go low, you go high”!

    • Yougogirl

      too soon to expose, wow! What a comment! You’re so hilarious and sassy and I hope your bff sees the light soon. You’re a good friend. Light and love.

  27. Janet

    The projection and no accountability is HUGE in these types of people, once you figure the truth out. As is the hiding of their true nature, and their need to dupe,demean and WIN. The friends who go along and enable and back them up every step of the way, can make you really lose faith in humanity and make you feel like you’re losing your sanity. I really love this article for the depth of understanding and insight. It’s hard for people to relate to how it feels to be a surviver from this type of abuse. You’re not the same and will never be again. Not necessarily a bad thing, as you know something now, that not everyone does. You know people can be not what they seem, in a way you didn’t know before. Its definatly power to know this. I really believe now, that they travel in packs, and collect others they infect with their same weak moral code, to protect and attack anyone who removes the mask. I think the ones who go along and even ferociously defend them, are the ones I have even more trouble understanding.

  28. confused & torn

    After 4 yrs. of love, time, financial and total commitment to this person, was discarded like a piece of trash in short order. Planning the holidays, birthdays, trips, all discarded in a 10 day period with all blame placed on my shoulders, I did nothing right, criticized constantly, had too much materialistic items(own and paid for cars, house, run a small business) constantly compared to her her bible and spewing scriptures. All are phoney Christians except she because she has connected with God and no else has done so in her reality. Attractive, educated she was for 4 yrs. in charge of a Domestic Abuse Ctr. and knows how to manipulate, charm a snake and very exploitive. Used my house, camper(3 yrs.) while she tried to get her feet on the ground while starting a new life style. I helped her through the rough times with $$ and gave emotional support to her and her adults kids who also needed help. Gave her daughter my extra car for 5 weeks when her car quit in the middle of an intersection with her 4 yr. old and was crying on the curb when the police arrived to help her and the child get home. My NSP partner had no way to($$$) help her own daughter/granddaughter. She isolated me from others so she could triangualte with old boyfriends. Married twice, always her former husbands’ fault. She would inform me days later where she had been and would share with me how nice the party was, what she ate, people she met. I never met any of these folks later on or ever! Always cultivating new, greener pastures for her sake. Tried to keep a # of my personal items that she had acquired over the yrs. until I asked for them back. Would expolde with anger if I questioned her thinking about religion, current politics(likes Trump with all his narcissitic toxicisity), using profantiy and harsh language to put me in my place. Her last comment to me was she was done with me because I abused her. Wow!! Left with no closure and is now already with her newly divorced girlfriend charming new men (they are in the 50s) and running around like college freshman do when left out of the house. Party all the time. Charm, flrt cultivating that new harum. Has got her “flying monkeys” on her side. Very toxic people. Their conversations are gossip, very shallow and judgemental.
    Very sad & hurt. I did not know this behaviour pattern and trusted her without exception. What a lesson it has been. Exploitied, charmed, lied to inwhich she had no regard fo my thoughts, feelings. Be careful of those who carry a bible and use religion as a cover. I met her in church and ushered with her for almost 2 yrears before I got involved and commitied to her. What an ending to this disaster. Trying to recover from this and feel so stupid for not knowing and seeing what it really was all the time. I denied all the signs, thinking that if I just showed her trust, love, caring, all be would be better for us in the long run.

  29. Cynthia

    I can say now going on a year of being a victim of a narrasstic/ sociopath and see the extent they will go to and time they put into the character assassination of others. I know for a fact the impact and damage they leave be hide. If you think law enforcement will help you, think again ( our laws are not there to assist them). My mentally ill stalker was arrested on a different case and this sociopath/ narrisistic was able to employ people to call and harrass the police to drop thier case know nothing about what was going on. Case was not dropped,. She even worked over a person who claims to be a Dr. And is a Anti Bully Specialist (which makes me question the unconvincing condentials. She convince people she is the victim. She has over 2,000 posting of complete lies about others online (2,000 is just one person)! Her reply was in a legal setting that her account was hacked, looped and all kinda crazy things. She has a wall of pins with maps claiming IP addresses where I supposedly hacked her from. Fake profiles are made on a daily bases to stalk and harrass me. She has put up criminal records in states in never even been claiming they are me. She post she the FBI ( yep no arrest, impersonating law enforcement, I thought there was a law against impersonating law enforcement) that I’m wanted by the FBI for Fraud. Social media host dose nothing about the lies and continues to host the trash. She, Went to the police with private conversation between two people printed out on Facebook messanger. Went to the police with credit cards cliaming I took them out in her name, but yet sent them to her. She has gone into extended and lavished couculating stories to convince others she a innocent victim in all of this character assignation. When her claims in court have been she was hacked the judge asked her why not close accounts, her reply is she has to go to the state of who she attacks on a regular bases and get them. That’s the short story of how in depth a person suffering from these mental conditions will go. They do not have the ability to ingore someone and walk away. They become so obsessed with a person that is their 24/7 obsession and if you think your going to ingore them and they are going to go away think again, that is fuel on the fire. Until you are victimized by a person like this, it is impossible to comprehend the inability for them to seize their hehavior.

  30. Stacey

    Thank you so very much for sharing your story. Your story mirrors my current situation but instead of it being a nephew, it’s a former female friend (bff). It took about a year into our friendship when I saw traits of NSP. All would be well so as long as things went her way. The minute I started to flex some independences one could clearly see that she was not happy with me. She would belittle everything I did…from the type of clothes I wore,to how my house looked (and I lived in a nice community) she would often say that “Oh,your place doesn’t have any curb appeal”. She would even come to my home and dictate how I should run my home and raise my children. I made the choice that l needed to cut all ties from her. She clearly didn’t like this and now I am being cyberbullied and she has even compromised my FB acct. Lifting private conversations from my inbox and removing family photos. I called her to ask her to stop these tactics and she then slamps me with harassment. So, now I have to go to court to defend myself.
    Thank you again for sharing your story. You gave sound advise and one of the things I intend to do when I have to appear in court, is to remain calm and I’ll let my lawyer do all the talking. Showing any type of emotion will appear to show that she is getting the better of me and I’m not trying to give her what she wants.



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