Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath

Sociopaths aren’t just the serial killers and rapists we see on the 6 o’clock news. They are our neighbors, co-workers, friends, family members, and sometimes our “soul mates.”

Sociopaths are the charmers and manipulators. They are the people who appear together and well-groomed at first glance, but hide many secrets and lies underneath their mask of sanity.

Sociopaths, in the early love-bombing stage of an intimate relationship, use many superlatives in order to woo and control their victims.

Within days of meeting you, they say things to intoxicate you into compliance:

  • “You are the love of my life.”
  • “I have never known anyone like you.”
  • “You are perfect for me.”
  • “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
  • “I never want to leave your side.”
  • “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.”
  • “We are perfect for each other.”
  • “You are exactly what I have been looking for my entire life.”

You should be insulted by these premature proclamations of love and devotion, not swept away by flowery words coming from someone who doesn’t know you but clearly needs you for reasons normal, healthy people can never fully understand.

The following is taken from my book: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath:

Do you know what it feels like to be locked up, placed in a dungeon of a partner’s creation? If so, you’re not alone. If not, pray you never do.

Abuse comes in many forms and affects many people in the victim’s life. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are equally degrading and harmful. One is not better than the other or worse than the other. They are ALL abuse.

This story is specifically about emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath.

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.

In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.

Identifying narcissistic sociopaths

Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (

Once it’s clear you’re dealing with a narcissist, go through the following list to see if the narcissist is also a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D:

1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

In addition to these two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to divert attention away from these traits, hide their evil agendas, and convince everyone that they’re capable of being loving and caring. Using this trick, they establish a false sense of trust with their victims who, in turn, feel compelled to share their deepest and darkest insecurities and fears.

But how? How do sociopaths convince even the most guarded people to open up and share their souls with the devil?

The answer is: Through excessive charm, pretense, and an uncanny ability to hide behind whatever mask of lies they need to wear depending on their audience. They lie to everyone with calculated projection and transference, resulting in a false sense of absolute power and control over everyone in their lives. Armed with this false sense of intellectual superiority and the belief others will always comply with their whims out of fear of having their deepest secrets and insecurities exposed, sociopaths epitomize evil and everything that’s wrong in our materialistic and greed-driven society. And by remaining fearful and not speaking out or saying “no” to these fools, the rest of us perpetuate and allow their power, abuse, and destruction of our collective moral compass to grow exponentially.

Sociopaths will continue “winning” and wielding their power as long as the rest of us remain fearful of our own humanity.

I believe in the power of a collective consciousness and in the transformative powers of information and education. The more of us who awaken and become informed about the reality of sociopaths in our midst, the more likely we can shift the evil into good and strip sociopaths of their delusional power.

So join me and speak out without fear of being judged as weak for falling prey to one of these characters. Your experience doesn’t mean you’re weak, and It doesn’t mean you’re broken. All it means is that you trusted and loved someone who didn’t deserve either.

Paula Carrasquillo, author, advocate, mindfulness coach


  1. Hotmess

    Thank you for ending this with the statement that those who fell victim to A narcissistic psychopaths lies are not weak or stupid. I really needed to hear that as I spent 11 years of my life being naively manipulated and emotionally abused and beat down. I constantly question why I couldn’t see what is so very clear to me now. Starting after so many years is hard and I am learning to accept that I will never know what parts of those years were genuine and what parts were bullshit i fell for. It may have taken over a decade but I am so very grateful for finally seeing through his facade, and knowing his true colors. It’s because of this clear vision that I’ve never questioned if I made a mistake by leaving him and why I never miss him, not even in my loneliest of moments. Just maybe a little bit angry with myself for taking so long to do so,for being so blind for so very long and for not trusting my gut feelings. To say being with a narcissistic psychopath is emotionally damaging is an understatement. Even though it’s been quite some time since I wised up and freed myself, the effects of his abuse still affect me whereas I’m still trying to find my confidence and sometimes question if I ever be able to fully trust and love someone again. His acting skills were so finely tuned it has me looking shifty-eyed at everyone and oh so very cynical.

  2. Linda

    I am dealing with a Narcissistic sociopath for a Daughter in law wow! where to start. I lost my house so my husband and I had to move in with my son and daughter in law. Her mother died a few years before so she and her brother got the house my son met her when she was a month pregnant prior to her mom’s passing so needless to say the first son of the two is not my sons but he is because we have been there since he was born. well we moved in and my son worked as with did I so, I paid him 600.00 a month to rent the room. I did a lot of the cooking buying a whole lot of the groceries as well and cleaning laundry lawns and cleaning the swimming pool.Trash
    being taken out every week cleaning up after every party every Friday and Saturday night. when I got there the baby was a hot mess staying up all night with them while they party all night!when my son got tired thank God he would take the little one to bed with him. I work every other Saturday night as a bar tender so to wake up in the morning to a big mess after all the friends would leave. Her brother moved in which of course he owns part of the house was so I get that and their dad stopped by every night to eat as well so need less to say it was quite a party every night.I had a hard time cleaning and cooking but my daughter in law of course wood help she didn’t work. Well here comes the brother with a girlfriend and she was about as lazy as anyone could get they slept outside in a toy hauler so they kind of had it good no rent no food bill no trash electric bill just living off the land sorta speek,or living off my son.My husband he had a hard time getting a job because he is older. We lost some businesses so we lost everything but, he did the laundry like a lot of laundry fixed cars did the lawn on a half acre took out the trash. I feel we did our share and paid for our keep.Well the girlfriend would take a shower twice a day and never clean the bathroom or cook and never cleaned the mess that got old. One night my oldest son came over to have a little get together. Later my son took the baby and went to bed and it was just me my daughter in law and my oldest son my son said he was going to bed he was going to spend the night. My daughter in law says to me have you ever had an fantasy about someone else she was drunk so I responded yea! I guess what kind she ask so the little conversation kind of got started no big deal I excused my self and went to the bath room when I came back she was gone so I go look for her and she is trying to get my oldest son to sleep with her she said to me when I found her I’m sorry I just want to sleep with him once.My oldest son was shocked that she even was trying to seduce him.I ask her what are you doing?she said I’m sorry I think about him all the time I love my husband but I always fantasize about him. Shocked I said you don’t love my son cause you wouldn’t be trying to sleep with his brother. I told her to go to her own bed and sleep so I blew up and air mattress and slept with my son in that room all night.Crazy she told me that my kids cousin tried to get her to sleep with him but after all that happened I think it was her trying to get him in bed with her. After everyone woke up in the morning and my son went home I heard her tell her brother she didn’t want my son to come over anymore because he had said something about her dad another shocker. I never told my son and ask my oldest son not to say anything either and he agreed.I have a niece and her two kids who came to visit and when they left my daughter in law complained about doing everything for her.The next time they came and left my daughter in law said that my grandsons wallet was missing and that maybe my Nieces son took it. She called and then told me he acted really strange about the wallet so I though maybe he took it it had 60.00 in it. the next time they came back we had a big big party so I told her son not this time but next time we are going to look for the wallet. My niece was so mad she left and of course I’m the bad guy. I really wondered about that wallet for a long time never did find it. Christmas we were all having another party where my husbands kids and grand kids came over and the the girlfriend drinking said these people are F***ing boring and she kept saying it my grand kids where in the living room and she took a pencil and started mimicking some one Jacking off and that hit me hard were talking small kids. I told my son do something about her rudeness or I would she was being disrespectful so, my son went and told her to stop she started saying it again I walked up to her and said stop she pushed me and it was on I beet the shit out of her and everyone kind of left my son was mad at me so, my husband and I said were moving. I spent most of all my money on that crazy house and had none. I didn’t know where I was going but I was going I had my car window broken the next day by the girlfriend. While I was out looking for a place to live my daughter in law was in my room when we came back looking kind of guilty about something and she said hi Grammie I cleaned your room. I’m thinking to myself she did something because why would you be cleaning my room it’s clean go clean your own she is the kind of person that shoves thing in draws to hide them, it was just odd to me she had never cleaned her own room my husband and I just kind of looked at each other. Well it has been 4 years and I went to find something that is very close and dear to me and the last time it was moved was when I moved it 4 years ago they were all together so you wouldn’t know it’s really missing until you try to find it so the last time it was seen was in my room at my daughter in law house. My thinking is she took it and also the wallet and the relationship with my niece. I have only seen my grandsons twice since. Crazy huh!I am a pretty realistic person so if I was in the wrong or any feed back please let me know. I think she is a Narcissistic Sociopath because who does that kind of stuff.

  3. HeCallsMeMommy

    I have been looking for help since September 2013, but people are more comfortable pretending years of violent crimes- never happened. Than to ever acknowledge there was an actual predator among us. However, To one person, I still matter. So please… I need help.

  4. Donald

    We met in the navy and I had never been shown the amount of attention I received from her it could be a bit embarrassing. She was still married when we met I was the replacement. Her former husband was put in an impossible situation kidnapped his daughters and ran and my wife had to go “rescue them “ I have adhd and affection issues for this reason I believe the honeymoon phase lasted a number of years. So once I opened up she shut down. We were separated quite a bit because of work. As soon as we started living together it was a nightmare. She always had her brother live with us she never cheated that I know of but was constantly triangulating me between him and the kids. She’d tell me to punish the kids and then get in between us and yell at me. They loved to sit around and gossip and badmouth everyone sister mom boyfriend best friend every one. I was always treated as an outsider and isolated from the kids. Eventually everything came to a tee and we broke up. She filed for divorce. I eventually talked her out of it. She was always showing the traits uneducated at this Time I don’t know what to call it but I called her out every time lots of just yelling out character flaws to me that she exhibited. She would say extremely hurtful things so I’d yell at her because it was upsetting. Painting a picture that wasn’t true of me to everyone around us. I quit my job to stay home and try to put ou life back together. This is when she put me in impossible situations where you couldn’t win. The kids didn’t have to help and I couldn’t ask them to but she would get home an duh the house is a mess if the kids aren’t taught any responsibility. She would explode. Also my oldest had developed a pd and she was just alliowed to cuss me out and I wasn’t even allowed to say anything. I went back to work because she refused work with me on our life. The oldest as well refusing to compromise anything never admitting o apologizing. One day my wife comes in and screams crazily over petty things I calm her down once then she i just madd dogged me until I said what’s wrong multiple times then I we go to the bedrock to talk she continues her tact condescending attitude I start getting loud and my oldest comes out her room and starts calling me nasty names my wife told me not to say anything to her wel I feel responsible so I chase her to her room and ask her who she thought she was she slammed the door on me and punched me 6 times and ran to her uncles which he lived next door. My wife tells me I have to get out. My thirteen year old kicked me out. I filed for divorces the next day went to my house out of state and pondered for a month came to the realization that I did nothing wrong and my family exiled me for no reason. She let them think it’s was all my faults always. I finally got her to admit that she was baiting me so told her tell the girls she refused. They are 12 and 13 I’ve been here for twelve years and you can dump me and destroy my relationship with the girls and can’t even tell me why you are evil. That’s when I knew and my investigation started and when I read the 20 diversions she is textbook and so is my oldest . I don’t consider myself abused because I never backed down when she was doing crazy things I called her out on it but it made the girls think it was all me. It’s the only reason it lasted so long I was a challenge to her once the mask is off you can’t put it back on

  5. PAIGE



    • Sue Miller

      Get a good lawyer. One who specializes in domestic abuse. I was married to one for 12 years, had 2 beautiful daughters. Lived with constant put downs, stupid, crazy, irrational, incapable, irresponsible, lazy, immature, not brought up right, from a bad family etc. He isolated me from my friends, turned me against my family, controlled every aspect of my life. I wasn’t allowed to go out, no visitors. My family would come on my days off and have to sneak out before he got home. If he found out, I’d get the silent treatment for days. Was timed anytime I had to run errands. He couldn’t stand when I was away from home. He took all my money and made me pay with a card so he could monitor what I was buying. I worked full time but had to ask permission to buy anything. Was expected to have sex every night even after surgeries or while I was ill. I did everything. Cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, car maintenance, EVERYTHING. Even while working a 9-5. By the time I woke up, I didn’t even recognize myself. Aged considerably, was miserable, felt trapped and suffocated. I had been completely brainwashed. Planned my getaway with help from my family for 2 years. Got a wonderful lawyer and sought therapy that made all the difference in the world. 4 years later I’m still in therapy. Still suffer from PTSD and emotional breakdowns, depression, anger, sadness, self doubt, low self esteem. I still have to deal with him because he has joint custody. I still get that panicky feeling anytime I have to deal with him. These people WILL destroy you. They hate to lose or give up control. Seek professional help from someone who specializes in this type of torment.

    • muppey

      May be late for you but I dealt with a sociopath who happened to be my wife’s first x husband with two kids, one died of suicide.
      The only way that a person can get them to stop as I understand is to totally isolate him. This was not possible for me as he would show up at family functions and eventually he convinced my wife of 22 years to leave me. She did it via just disappearing. I attempted to warn her but she dismissed me. Told her he was a liar and a nut case sociopath, she used to call him “snake charmer”, guess she forgot that. She’s gone, left gossip bombs behind, nearly ruined me but I’m not giving up. Her actions landed me in the hospital where I’d never been before in my life.
      Strange how you can live with a woman for 22 years and then she turns and hates you. I do blame the sociopath but no one person is to blame for marriage problems but we used to talk a lot.

  6. Mika Adsila Nomura

    This is my father. He controlled my mother, and turned her against me; he controlled me to turn me against my mother.

    I left England, and live in Japan.

    He’s a horrible person, and everyone in my family in England knows this.

    And yet, outside of the family, he seems to be a well liked and admired great achiever.

    In reality, he’s a bullying, violent, uncaring thug.

    I have had a whole week of the silent treatment, for no apparent reason.

    So now I have built a new family of my own. And I will never see my family in England again. Which is, at least, some relief.

    • Beth

      I wish you the best. I hope you have a very happy new life-you deserve it.

    • abi titmose

      This is Madonna, Harvey Weinstein, Presidents, Paris Jackson,Rhianna, Jake Gyllenhal, Will Smith,my mother,my ex, Dave Grohl, Johnny Depp, Kim Kardasian, Cathlyn Jenner, Richard Branson, Beyonce, Dev Hynes, Kanye West,Rusell Brand, duncan jones,Derren Brown,Jim Carrey and the rest of the human race

      How would Paula analyse the behavior of an alien? would they tolerate this?

      • abi

        I forgot to mention Tom Cruise he will kill me for leaving him out of this comment

  7. LJ

    Hi Paula!!! Ex narc has yet again exposed his snake self. He is in the construction/building/development industry. Lies to clients constantly, womanizer, screws people with overbidding contracts and doesn’t deliver on his promises. Well his latest gig is blaming the weather, hurricanes that occurred umpteen miles away, the traffic, his subcontractors being “useless,” his employees being “dumb,” his clients being “too demanding.” Amazing how in each and every issue he’s part of the problem, but it is everyone else. He know has found religion, Jesus, the Bible, and God. Except he still lies, womanizer, and calls everyone a moron. He wants to be called a true professional now and makes comments that he should have Dr. in his title. Sick demented thinking!!! Very skewed way of life. Umpteen lawsuits too!!! Please tell me the karma train will toot loud one day? Tku

    • Gwendolyn

      Sounds exactly like my brother-in-law! Right down to the finding Jesus part. I hate my brother-in-law for what he has done to my sister and to so many innocent people. He truly is an evil person. I feel bad for anyone involved with a narcissist.

  8. Terri

    Wow so many sad stories, well mine started 11 years ago, and yes he charmed me. It was 4 months after my husband (of 22 years) and I separated. A couple weeks into it he moved in with me and that’s when the belittling and humiliating started.After a couple months we moved and then he often threw me out calling it his house. Then he started hitting me. It was a constant struggle becuz every single day of my life depended on what kind of mood he woke up in. So one time he locked me out and it was 42 degrees out and I was on the front porch until 6 am I was shaking so bad that I was sore from shaking. Often I would wake up with him throwing things at me in my sleep. But he got mad about something and he picked me up and threw me into the front door and hurt my back real bad (I only weigh about 117 lbs) then he picked me up again to throw me on the loveseat and he missed, I couldn’t walk for about a week and he said I was faking. So I moved out with a friend for about 6 months until her mom got sick and I had to move, and I went back becuz he charmed me again.It was not long and he was back to the same behavior. This time I got stranded in the rain and I knew he was sleeping and called another friend to give me a ride home. He was awake when I got there and he asked what happened and I told him and he started calling me every name he could think of, and locked himself in the office for two days just dwelling on it. Then he finally came out and just started throwing things off of the pool table at me, needless to say he threw a metal pipe at me and it hit me in the head, splitting my head open. Then my phone rings and its my friend so I tell her to call me an ambulance and she sent the cops and they surrounded the housewife for 4 1/2 hours while they got a warrent. They took him to jail and after two weeks he bailed out and believe this they gave him time served on the assault 4 and 36 months sulervised probation. So yes the justice system failed me terribly. There is one thing I do know and it that he said if I ever put him in jail then when he gets out, he will kill me! I do know if I ever went back that I probably wouldn’t make it back out alive! I now have PTSD so bad that if anyone raises their voice then I lock myself in the bathroom, or I can’t come out of my room if someone starts yelling. Its a serious thing and he still contacts me begging me to come back, its hard but I kept notes of the dates things happened and if I get soft then I read over them to help me to say no to him. I don’t feel at home in this world anymore thanks to all of this. I used to say, Yes, more than anything, I would like to walk away and somehow find peace with what is left of my life, however, I think the severe damage has robbed me of that peace. The will, the want to, and the desire for better things, somehow has escaped me. I’m not sure when this happened, I just know that it has.
    After being told everyday that you are a worthless loser, I guess you start to believe it! Thank you for allowing me to share a small part of my story.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Terri, My heart goes out to you. I’ve been locked out. I’ve had things thrown at me. I’ve been pinched, bitten, pushed, knocked over, stepped on, strangled… And I, too, felt worthless and ashamed and fearful.

      How in the world could we allow something like this to happen to us? Well, we allow it when we stop trusting ourselves…when we ignore our inner voice and rely on our tormentor to provide validation. Why would we do that? Because we’ve been conditioned to think putting ourselves first is selfish. You know what? It IS selfish and it IS essential to be SELFISH in order to be SELFLESS when necessary and with those deserving of our selflessness.

      This person was never worthy of you. He’s got so many issues around control and manipulation, that he’s convinced you you’re NOTHING without him. You’ve been inside a toxic co-dependent relationship. Not because you’re co-dependent, but because HE is co-dependent and you’ve mirrored his “victim” energy…you’ve actually taken on his victim energy so he doesn’t have to deal with himself. You’ve lost yourself trying to be the person he wants you to be…or that he’s convinced you you must be in order to receive his approval.

      First thing…you do NOT need his approval. You only need your own, self-approval. Start there. Believe you’re worthy. Access the Free Toolkit on this site. Do the exercises every single day for the next 21 days. You’re worth the effort. You’re more powerful than you know. You CAN heal yourself and get back to love.

  9. Mis

    As I type this I’m not sure how I ever got myself in to such a destructive relationship. I lay here truly doubting myself. I’m the crazy one and he makes comments that I’m the abuser. How he has to walk around in eggs shells and diffuse me. It’s true. I’m always in edge, defending myself and listening to his ridiculous stories. In 44 years for the first time in my life I felt what I believed to be real love and acceptance. We both left 20 year marriages to be together. After moving in with him I find out he cheated on his wife the entire marriage. Basically preying on woman that we’re older, fat and basically neglected with low self esteem. Women he works for as a contractor, the housekeepers, cashiers, secretaries. It disgusted me so badly. Yet I was his prize , the only woman he ever loved. He has in fits of rage when calling him out on his lies has officially broken my wrist, busted my ear drums 6 times, out my jaw out of places, broke a rib, choked me and forced anal sex. Made me pick up men and have sex with them so he can eat semen out of me. Tonight he punched me in the ribs. I have severe issues with vertigo from the repeated blows to the head. Here I am cripppled with fear and uncertainty believing I’m the problem. Beautiful, intellectual, what a joke I am. Everyday I ask myself what did I do? How did this happen? I’m scared to tell anyone. I mean no one would believe anything I say. He smiles, laughs and is always center. It’s indescribable truly. I can’t believe I’ve resorted to airing out my business on a public forum. I just want to be heard.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      We’re listening. We believe you. There are many people you know who will ALSO believe you. There are many people he knows who already know what he is but are like you, too afraid or ashamed to speak up after years of being silent. It’s time to end your shame and embarrassment. Yes…you chose him. Yes…you’ve allowed this by remaining inside the relationship. But YOU can end it. Trust yourself. Trust your support system is there and waiting for you. You’re not alone and never were. 🙂

    • CP

      Mis, I feel for ya! Dealing with narcs/socios is like being on a roller coaster ride from he double ll. Mine was a terrible human being. He thought the world and everyone in it revolved around him. An absolute jerk of a man. To this day he blames everyone else for his outbursts. I can’t stand him. Every time I think of him I get an upset stomach, headaches, chronic neck pain, just an overall uneasy feeling of blaaa. Name calling, verbal abuse, financial abuse, busting up umpteen relationships, he didn’t care if he busted up good marriages just to see if he could win the prize. He got off ruining things for everyone. I can’t believe I got duped into believing his lies and then he ruined my life too. Why? Because it made him feel like God that’s why. I had to start over from scratch because of him. Put your faith in a higher power and all the people out here that can be of support and thank you Paula! 🙂

  10. S.W.

    My husband… charmed me. Lied to me. Deceived me. Started hitting me. Then beating me all the while slandering me to everyone- even to the neighbors who stopped speaking to me; even to people at our bible study; to my children.

    He’s thrown me out too many times to count. Three weeks ago, he went into a flying rage and started spewing hatred. He got up and took all of my clothes outside and put them in the trash.

    The next day, he took my daughters computer chair and threw it at me. Took her container of hair pins and threw it at me. Then, he seemed to be remorseful. Buying me food. Talking mild. Being super calm.

    I realized that if I don’t go now, he’s going to kill me and not even realize it.

    I have no one but God to tell and one friend who lives in another state. The ones who I did talk to got help he’s manipulated and slandered me to the point they don’t really want to be involved.

    I now realized how I ended up in this marriage. He provided all that I needed at the time. Love and attention. A feeling of safety. It hurts because it was a lie. I was being set up.

    He’s so cold that he didn’t even apologize. Never acknowledged anything and told me that it’s my fault. That I make him angry just by my presence. That I am worthless and a waste. That serving God is meaningless because I am a phony. He punched me in the mouth two days before my father’s funeral and put me out. All of this and I still begged him- still asked him to keep our marriage intact. He even blamed me for not getting a promotion at work.

    He expresses no empathy for me and regularly humiliates me. I hear him on the telephone saying how happy he is that I’m leaving and how he’s stress free. The realization of my marriage and who he is is painful beyond words. Having my daughter witness this abuse is heartbreaking. I want this marriage to work so desperately but it’s always been doomed from the start because it was built on a lie. I’m mourning the loss of my husband- the charmer, the provider and protector. I am coming to the full realization that I was fooled and I think that hurts more than anything because I am mourning the loss of a fantasy.
    I’m moving tomorrow.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      S.W. – Thank you for sharing what is still so hard for you to accept. Your life WILL be better. You don’t need to be with someone who strips you of your power and humiliates you and instills fear in your children. He is VERY, VERY broken and fixing him is out-of-your-control. Only he and “his God” can help him if he chooses to change. But you, you have so much potential and a true spirit and desire to finally live in peace. You will. Remain hopeful and faithful. Believe and trust in your decision. Know it’s the best decision for you and your children. The end of a marriage is not the end of a life. It’s the beginning of a new chapter. Stay strong and love yourself for making this choice. It’s not an easy one, but it’s a choice you will one day look back on with a smile.

    • Kinsley Mateo

      Dear SW,iwanted to write and tell you I’ve been thru the very same heart goes out to you as my narssist put me in the hospital..and verbally abused me for years when I discovered what they were.I ran,with no phone no money a backpack with my clothes…didn’t even have been a car.Everyone believed the narssist even after seeing medical reports.I lost children over their manipulation..and I was homeless for 3 months when I found a job on foot.I stayed with my only friend and I’m doing better.I have exacuted no contact and have had no problem doing that..but they still stalk me but from at a distance.I just want to day I understand every work you said..been their..and if you need an ear..count on me to understand..please be careful when leaving!That is the most dangerous time.You can message me on Facebook under my profile name.. Kinsley Mateo.And if anyone hasn’t said it..I’m so so sorry.You are not alone..Text me if you need me cause I’m one person who won’t be fooled by that monster..take care luv…. Kinsley

    • Alexandra

      Dear SW:

      I understand you so much. Because I am having the same experience. I just left somebody like your husband. Exactly, almost.
      Im not even in my country. Im in his country Canada, he fooled me so well, this was the second chance that I was giving him. Now I am trapped here, because he is asking the custody of the children, because he had all calculated, planned. I don’t have legal residence, he told me he would get a job, and do my paperwork, of course the months passed. And he is not working. I met him 5 years ago, he never has worked. I was. And now I bought everything for the house, and I ended without anything. For love, for my family. His plan was to kick me out, so I would not be able to work, I don’t have more money, I would have to leave, and the children would stay here in Canada, can you see?? And this is only one of the exemples of how bad person he is, lier, and faker. I saw him without his mask, so I was not useful anymore, now he had what he wanted to have, so he wished me to be dead, he said, so he could continue with his life, that I am the problem. He is faking to everybody, to police, his mother and stepfather, and his family, friends, etc… Because he has been very violent also with me, with his mouth, and his hands.
      And now I am here, I dissapear of the house, I am in a place for women, of domestic violence. And waiting for a battle, so evil, and big, because he can not let me go like that. He wants to destroy me. In the Court, through getting the children, that doesn’t love, he says he loves very much the little girl, and ignores the little boy, because he is like me he says, an idiot, emotional. I know he is furios, he wants me dead. I can almost feel him in the air, his hate. No matter what I win, now I am starting to see it, because I am starting to delete of my mind, the good man, funny, loving because he has never existed, I could see it through his eyes, I was thinking that I could not see anything in them, no emotions, only black. And his words… they were not because he was mad, as he said, is because that was his real him. I catched him, I defeat him. I am free.

    • Marinda burleson

      I understand, went through same thing for two years wasnt married to him but so evil in the end. Hard to wrap around the brain someone like sorry no one would understand unless they lived it .

      • Ilene

        Thanks for that

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      This is definitely tragic. I’m revisiting comments she left on this blog and articles about the murder of Megan Dix, whose family created a GoFundMe campaign to raise funds to help support Megan’s husband and child. Too many unnecessary victims in the aftermath of the madness of sociopath abuse.

  11. Brenda

    I think my current boss is a psychopathic narcissist. Recently he asked me if I was open to feedback about a recent staff meeting. I was and he brought in two of my employees who attended the meeting. During the feedback session the employees gave all positive feedback. Later, I learned that my boss told the employees before the feedback session that I thought I was solving world hunger BH I wasn’t even on the right planet. How sad that he went out of his way to make these employees feel conflicted.

  12. Jeanette

    I too was in such a relationship with a narcuisstic person.for about 8 months.just founding out what this is…he did the yelling and screaming getting in my face…just recently becoming violent I had to call the police and he is right now in jail…reading these stories has helped me understand the type of person he is..and am glad I am out…and intend to stay out…my prayers are with all of us as we go thru our healing…

    • KarSto

      I realized in April that my ex-boyfriend is a narcissist. More recently, a narcissist sociopath. He’s jail right now for domestic assault against me. The only hope for victims is to go no contact. My heart, mind and soul are fractured. I pray for healing for victims of this kind of abuse.

  13. Mercedes

    I met my husband when I was thirteen, he was 16. He was emotionally and physically abused and eventually moved in with me when I was 16 to get away from it. I got pregnant and had our first of 3 sons at 18. Our entire adolescent relationship he cheated on me constantly, but I always made excuses for him due to his past. During the entire relationship he always made me feel like I was his entire world. He would charm me and tell me everything I wanted to hear. I love the way loving him makes me feel. We married 10yrs after meeting and although he was very possessive, jealous, and controlling, which got better after marriage, we were good up until 6yrs ago (21yrs together) when I caught him texting 2 other women, one was my former best friend and the other was a girl he cheated on me with when our first son was 2. He said he never “cheated” just texted and didn’t think that was considered cheating. He stopped and then a yr later I caught him texting the neighbors sister. Same scenario. He gets caught acts like he is so sorry, never has an excuse just says “I’m a piece of shit” “I don’t know why I do it” and promises to never hurt me again. He’s a contractor and last year I confronted him about texting a customer. He swears he just considered her a friend because he did so much work for her, but why would he hide their relationship, even became friends on FB. I told him I wasnt comfortable with it and he stopped, again. That is until a few days ago when he went into my contacts and took a co-workers phone number that he did work for and texted her asking her out to dinner! He just ruined my career. I’m so broken over this. Of course it’s the same, “I need help, I don’t know why I do it, I’m a piece of shit” “I would never act on it or cheat on you” “you mean the world to me” I just don’t know why I can’t let him go. It’s been 27 yrs now. He still acts like I’m his world and says he doesn’t want to leave me, he loves me and our life. I just don’t trust him. How does he say those things, but continuously hurt me? I have no self esteem, no confidence. He’s all I know. He’s been sleeping on the couch because I don’t want him near me, but I can’t let him go. We can’t afford for him to get his own apt and I can’t afford our house on my own. He has nowhere to go since we don’t communicate with his family. He doesn’t really have any friends, it’s always just been us. He’s manipulative, pathological liar, rages when frustrated, but not physically abusive just breaks things and throws stuff around, he’s a bully; likes to be feared, and takes no responsibility for his actions. Even after all this, I love him. I don’t know what to do. He is a hard working man, has always provided for us, loves his boys and is a good father, just a terrible husband. I contacted a counselor, waiting for a call back for an appt. Does it make me a terrible person to want him to stay, to hope he gets help and he’ll get better? Why was he able to stop for so long after getting married just to start again? Am I enabling his behavior by moving on and hoping it doesn’t happen again each time? Am I just too damaged at this point? I don’t know where to go from here and I can’t take much more.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Mercedes, I’m very sorry you’re suffering, struggling, and feeling torn. However, you’re only suffering because you’re trying to hold onto that which no longer serves your best and highest. It’s not easy to free ourselves from the traps of manipulative and codependent relationships like the one in which you’re immersed. There’s the love bond competing with the trauma and betrayal bonds. All of which must be broken, layer by layer, if you expect your life to move in the direction of your dreams. When you connect with the counselor, be COMPLETELY open and honest about your feelings and observations and about what YOU WANT. It’s time to PUT YOU FIRST and not worry about offending anyone, especially those who have harmed you.

    • Terri

      No ur not to damaged. U must leave get out find a way! Call oranizations theyll help u escape. And get u help break the cycle . U can do it! I did!!!! Please take my advice before its to late!!!!

  14. Dennis

    Was married to one for 9 years and she nearly sent me over the edge after deciding she didnt need me as a husband and father of 3 young kid under the age of 8. She flaunted her promiscuousness in my face until I could take no more and left family home. She lied to her family to make me out to be the bad guy. She was capable of pulling a knife out and threatening to stab me. I never ever laid a hand on her but for the next 10 years I even wished and prayed as she made my life hell every 2nd weekend i had the kids.I considered taking my life in the early years of seperation but was able to talk myself down for the kids sake. Now I have watched her apply the same ruthless no empathy faking and lying about her own grown up children now in their 30s only to see one of my twin boys attempt suicide unsuccessfully just recently (thankyou god) after manipulating him and planting lies and negative thoughts to the point that he belived and trusted in everything she said . She did the same to my eldest daughter but broke free from her manipulation having experienced interference and trying to take over in her engagement party a year ago. She has her whole family fooled as just being a very successful confident person who judges and tells everyone whats best for them. My boy has been told to get out of living at his mothers as the environment was toxic,afterliving her for last 2 years as she convinced him to move in and seperate from his girlfriend of 6 yrs . I have no doubt she added to the break up back then having sown the seeds and he swore that she messed with his head and was not going to move in with her for the same reason, but he was vulnerable and she pretended that she would look after him, and he did exactly what he said he would not. She controlled and filled his head with her opinions and bullied him to almost childlike that everything mum said must be right and finally broke him when she interfered in his new relationship which lead to him nearly taking his own life, which I know is his responsibility. He is safe for now with his new girlfriend and he has had a wakeup call and has escaped her clutches for now. My other son knows there is something wrong with his mother and just keeps his distance or shuts out what she says but i dont know for how long. Sad but true for my children.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      I’m so sorry, Dennis. Parents like your wife create extreme co-dependent relationships with their children and set them up for the ultimate failure. They convince and brainwash them into believing their lives will be ruined if they don’t do as the disordered parent suggests. Everything from how to dress and what friends to have to what to major in college and who to choose as a potential partner spouse. Parents like your wife don’t teach their children to be independent thinkers, quite the opposite. They teach their children how to be helpless, suicidal, and 100% reliant upon pleasing others, especially the disordered parent. Your sons require total detachment from their controlling and manipulative mother, while simultaneously learning to love themselves and be 100% independent and confident in who they are. It’s not an easy task and can’t be faked. Despite all of us wishing there were a pill to get from point A to B in the aftermath of childhood trauma and abuse, there isn’t. How do you help your children get started on the path to true recovery, healing and transformation? Get started on your own path and become their model. There’s no need to preach to them or demand that they do as you do. Just by being a more grounded, centered, loving, and unafraid father, you will influence your children to seek and find the same peace. If you’re not certain where to start, start by accessing my FREE Activate Your Energy Toolkit on this site. 🙂

  15. Pamela Moran

    I was a victim of a man with Narcissistic personality disorder. I have known him for years. But I had never known him well enough to see this behavior. He had ended up in prison and got in touch with me. I helped him sent him money and next thing you know we were talking romance. He homed out to me. He was charming and so fun to be with.. He did make attempt to control me and I started to catch him in lies.. When I confronted him he got very upset and managed to manipulate me into thinking it was all me. Three and a half years and all of sudden he left to go do a job and did not return for a week. He calls me on after a week to say he is with someone else and he was not happy. His whole demeanor and personality complete hanged and he was so mean. uncaring. Very very scary. Attempted to make me feel like I was unworthy of his love. it was horrible. We owned a vehicle together and he stopped making payments and allowed the insurance to expire. I had to jump through hoops to get that truck so I could take it and deal with the aftermath of buying this with him. they are indeed charming.. women beware of this type of person.. I am so thankful nothing worse happened to me. I believe I was not weak enough for him.. They like women they can control and trust me that is not me.

  16. Shari

    I have been broken up from my fiance for less than 2 weeks after 26 months. 18 months into the relationship I knew he was lying and sabotaging me financially and socially. He denied everything- it was us against the world. His ex wife stalked us relentlessly and being in a public social work field, and with my brain injury she was fraudulently obtaining my account information and so on and so forth to the point where I may just have to file bankruptcy. And he may and probably was in collusion with her. If so, I will sue them both.
    This week that he’s been gone for the final time, he’s broken into my apartment, gone to the AA meeting I attend so I will go back to the group who saw his game and tried to warn me in my early sobriety but I was already hooked and he was doing intimidating damage control which got him banned from that AA group. Now he is trolling for his next victim, while using methamphetamine which he buys from my niece’s friends, she herself, and his acquaintances and adopted family. Evidently this has been happening for almost 9 months to a year.
    He has triggered my C-PTSD to the point where I have felt the need to carry weapons on me and I would sleep fully clothed until the sun came up. The chaos of his gaslighting has cost my son the 5th grade-I have to home school him and get us both into counseling to recover from the betrayal.
    I will not be the same, my family will not be the same, my son’s not the same, and in 47 years of living,I wish to God I had never met a person.
    All the pain he causes and caused means nothing, he is a fake,phony and a fraud, he is someone who never was who I believed he was….I loved a hoax and he loved laughing at me while he screwed other women including my niece and smoked dope in the truck my mother bought him on a payment plan to which she’s received $400.
    Two days ago my son found a silver wedding band in his laundry and it didn’t match my engagement ring. I was stunned to find out of yet another relationship. I’ve counted 3, and possibly up to 5 that I know of so I have scheduled an STD panel. He doesn’t use condoms.
    My life is in shambles but I must be strong for my son, yet I cry often and the burning in my heart is like fire…the ache for my old self is the worst loneliness and the loss of him, the weirdest sorrow of relief that I can explain it no further. This article saved my mind last night. I’m buying your book and the recommended books.
    I am astonished by my devastation and the coldness I had to step into so he’d leave. But it truly, truly, ripped me into confetti. And I don’t ever want to be in a relationship again.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Thank you for sharing your experience, Shari. What you experienced is absolutely traumatic and how you’re feeling is absolutely normal. And you CAN heal. You’re right…you’ll never be the same…you’ll be better. You’ll soon step into who you really are and begin shedding all of the old thought forms and limiting beliefs you’ve been holding onto since you first experienced trauma, anxiety, and depression. I’m sure you’ve heard or read on other sites that the most important first step toward healing from abusive relationships like the ones you experienced is to go NO CONTACT. And NO CONTACT is more than not emailing, calling, driving by their house, or checking their social media accounts. NO CONTACT is also about cutting cords to all of the energetic influences these past lovers have on your mind and spirit. We carry and hold trauma in layers: environmental, physical, mental, and spiritual. The goal is to go NO CONTACT with them on ALL 4 levels. That means, as an example, throwing away items and even clothing and gifts they gifted to you (environment); practicing yoga and/or getting deep tissue and stretching massages (physical); writing and talking about your experiences (emotional/mental); and cutting cords and clearing away all karma and auric attachments and aligning you chakras and energetic body (emotional/spiritual). I offer a FREE toolkit on this site for everyone open to freeing their emotional and spiritual blocks using energetic mindfulness tools. Consider accessing it today and/or reaching out to me for a Clarity Call. Sending you lots of healing vibes and thoughts.

      • Brittany

        I got out of a relationship with a man like this in January after being together for almost 5 years. Everything was always my fault, he lied constantly, was completely unreliable in every way, was cruel, and some how always manipulated me into thinking our relationship could be better, or that is was me and if I changed it would be fine, or that it was our situation at the time. Always something, never him. After catching him in a suspicious situation with my friend of 12 years and our roomate for a year, I confronted him. He immediately made the situation about me and my faults and when I didn’t let that fly he became cruel, calling me names and threatening my lively hood such as my job. I left him and within days my friend we were living with was openly sleeping with him and was divorcing her husband to be with him. I almost feel bad for her, I believe she is also a victim of this man but that she made her own grave. All the while I was 7 months pregnant with our second daughter. I am thrilled to no longer be in this relationship and every day away from him I feel better and better. More human, more me, I forgot what that was. My concern is I feel the difference in myself, the unhappiness returning just from being around him short periods of time. I try to continue a civil relationship between us for our older daughter and newborn baby but he still tries to bring me down and manipulate me. I read on here that the best thing is no contact but what am I supposed to do if we have children together and more importantly how do I protect my children from this evil man? In addition, I feel like I should warn my friend about who he really is but I’m concerned that he’s going to find out and make it appear that I’m just trying to get back with him, make me out to be the bad guy like he always does. Is there someway to warn her without her thinking this. Maybe I shouldn’t care after what she’s done to me but we have been friends a long time and I do believe she is just another one of his victims and it angers me to watch him treat her the way he treated me. Any advice, ecspeacialy in regards to my girls. I can’t stand the thought of him abusing my little girls this way, they won’t even be able to begin to understand what he’s doing.

        • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo


          I’m sorry about your experience and its impact on your daughters. It’s super important that you do not engage or attach yourself to your ex or his new target. Otherwise, you risk getting consumed by the drama and trauma and so do your daughters. Your main task is to remain detached and model love and patience for your daughters. Your daughters WILL mimic and copy your reactions to any and all situations. If they see you dismissing and not taking personally your ex’s insults and attempts to control and manipulate you, your daughters, in turn, will learn what not to tolerate or consider coming from their father. Your daughters will learn how to discern truth from fiction and will not be easily manipulated and “played” by this man. You want your daughters to grow up to be independent, not codependent.

          So how is it possible to remain detached and be able to go “no contact” with someone you actually have to interact with periodically as a co-parent? I’ll be the first to admit it’s not easy. However, it IS possible. Very possible. I recommend reading about and signing up to access my FREE Activate Your Energy toolkit on this site. You’ll begin to understand and experience the power of energy and how you can use your energy to protect and serve YOU rather than giving it away for others to take and use.

          Your past does not define who you are. You can detach from your mistakes and overcome the shame, blame, and self-destructive behavior and thoughts bringing you down. 🙂

    • Pam MOran

      Shari you are normal. I was so hurt by a personality such as this. Charming and fun. They like to try to make you feel worthless to make themselves look better. this man I was with tried to paint me as someone attempting to by him. He told folks “I want to be happy and I was not happy with her it is not my fault that this all happened. She cannot buy my love” lol I was not trying to buy his love. he said things like “I would rather be poor then be were I am not happy” those were painful words. but that is just him attempting to make others believe he did not use me. Take me for a financial ride…etc.
      It was humiliated. I felt like something was wrong with me but at the end of the day it is not me. Just know you will always be ok but someone like that will never really be truly at peace. He got married in that week he was gone.. I had no idea.. it hurt. but he is now with this next victim and I feel sorry for her. I cried myself to sleep a few nights but I am on the road to feeling better

      • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

        You’re amazing, Pam. Thank you for sharing your story and offering your support to others. We’re all grateful and sending you lots of healing vibes. 🙂

        • Da

          I was married to my wife for twelve years. For the first two it was pretty amazing. She comlplained that I didn’t show enough affection. I have adhd and I think some signals were misinterpreted. She always was not to be corrected but one day she changed and told me she was done acting that way because that’s what it was. She hated my guts she would bait me into an argument we would eventually resolve it just to have it all over again she would just randomly yell out untrue things about I always stood my ground I’m glad I did I would if lost my mind otherwise. She would say the meanest thing she could think of we’d argue I would usually start with why did you say that to me no effect . A few days later I’d ask her why she said that and she would deny. That went on for years we have two daughters who heard it all except of course the baiting. I travel to work sometimes and we split. She filed for divorce and I talked her out of it mistake. I’m pretty sure she couldn’t stand me cause she couldn’t break me. And this where it gets really crazy. I quit my job to work on our relationship and help around the house. So she makes lots o rules that apply only to me. I’m not allowed to gets onto the girls or ask them to help. I’m basically not allowed say anything but they are not punished for anything. My oldest had been caught doing “evil” things I think she has a pd as well. So i have no control but when she gets home if it’s not her way there’s gonna be hell to pay. I feel she’s setting me up for failure over and over again. My daughter is allowed to cuss me I’m supposed to clean up after her too no way. Eventually I had got a job been there a week when we had what in normal households would have been no big deal. It was a hundred degrees out and I had been in it all day I started making dinner. My wife came in just going off about a breaker I was like what so I guess it was 80 degrees in the house I thought it was nice got her calmed back down and and she was mad dogging me to the point where I ask her what her problem is and I get snide mocking so i get upset say come in here we need to talk. As I’m talking to her she’s making faces and mocking me so I start yelling at her my oldest daughter comes out and starts calling me whatever she can think of. My wife tells me not to do anything as usual. Let me back up a little here her brother lived with us for the majority of our marriage and they’re favorite thing to do is talk bad about everyone and he was constantly undermining me with the kids at this point he lives next door. Daughter was cussing so went to shut her down like a good parent she slams the door on me then punched me like 6!times then runs out to her uncles house shortly after that my wife tells me I have to leave. So I leave she lets me stay the nexts couple of weeks but I filed for divorce confused really. My daughters won’t talk to me. My wife comes in in a good mood and acting sweet and comes over and starts bragging about some show she got in. What something is wrong. I leave go to my house for a month I ponder the situation and I didn’t do anything wrong why am exiled from the family. So I call my wife to ask why she kicked me out couldn’t answer. She would never admit she was a part of the fighting. I bugged her so much I had her admitted that she was baiting me. So I said you need to tell the girls that you started 90% of the fights. Then she retracts and starts denying again. She can’t admit she’s wrong. She hides it with lies. She had to be in charge. So now I googled verbal and emotional abuse there were 5 examples I did one yelling my wife was 5 for 5 my oldest 3 for 5. So then I googled baiting and got the 20 diversions she did all of them. Now she’s in denial I’m pretty sure my oldest has some pd and my youngest is stuck in a house with a narcissistic sociopath and budding one. I have been in thier life since 1 and 2 but i have no rights

  17. Regina

    I have been married to two different men who both classify as a narcissist and one of them a sociopath. I’ve just recently divorced the 2nd one. Both of them showed some of the same characteristics that make up a narcissist but those characteristics we’re revealed in different ways. That prevented me from realizing it after the first divorce. I waited 6 years before I committed the 2nd time and thought I had chosen an entirely different type of man. It only took me about a year to finally figure out there was definitely a problem with his mentality also. I am trying to fully recover now from both of them. My question is how do I avoid men like this in the future and is there any hope of finding a good person to love or will I always gravitate towards these type of people?

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Regina, Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I’m sure you’ve heard or read on other sites that the most important first step toward healing from abusive relationships like the ones you experienced is to go NO CONTACT. And NO CONTACT is more than not emailing, calling, driving by their house, or checking their social media accounts. NO CONTACT is also about cutting cords to all of the energetic influences these past lovers have on your mind and spirit. We carry and hold trauma in layers: environment, physical, mental, and spiritual. The goal is to go NO CONTACT with them on ALL 4 levels. That means, as an example, throwing away items and even clothing and gifts they gifted to you (environment); practicing yoga and/or getting deep tissue and stretching massages (physical); writing and talking about your experiences (emotional/mental); and cutting cords and clearing away all karma and auric attachments and aligning you chakras and energetic body (emotional/spiritual). I offer a FREE toolkit on this site for everyone open to freeing their emotional and spiritual blocks using energetic mindfulness tools. Consider accessing it today and/or reaching out to me for a Clarity Call. Sending you lots of healing vibes and thoughts.

  18. Eve

    I’m about to move in with him, well him and his sub, he’s a dom. We’ve had a long distance relationship for 1 and half years now. I’m nervous, unsure, but everything is already in motion, moving in a week and half. I’m leaving everything behind, my job, friends, cute little apartment. He says I ask too many questions and that annoys him, apparently I do lots of annoying things. What if I’m making a terrible mistake?

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Eve, all you can do is be prepared to take ownership of your choice to move in with him if it turns out to be the wrong decision. I think you already know if it is or if it isn’t a mistake, and you’re being more curious than protective of yourself at this point.

      • Eve

        Yea,well thanks, I’ll just hope for the best, that’s all I can do now. I’ll keep this page in my favorites.

    • Georgia Girl

      I have been involved in a long distance relationship with a narcissist for almost a Year. I was planning to move away with him. Thank god I started reading articles on Narcissist or I may have been doomed. I have experienced everything you all have. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. He has been out of town all week and said he’ll be back on Sunday. He didn’t even tell me he was going. I’m sure he’s with his next supply. He lives in a small town in GA., but loves Savannah,Augusta,Myrtle Beach,and has lived in Virginia….I have decided to end this chapter and apply the No contact…BEWARE of this handsome black demon…

      • Rasene Newson

        Hello Georgia Girl,

        Your story sounds familiar. Between you and I. What is his name. Did he live in New York (The Bronx) as well. My friends mother lives in Virginia.

      • Angela Jordan

        Sounds like my ex husband…,probably the same guy!

    • Candace Brown

      Girl, take it from me don’t do it. I’m reading articles on this because I just moved out of my ex’s apartment. It is absolute hell living with n being in a relationship with a man with this disorder. I’m lucky I got away unscathed. There is NO WINNING with a man with this disorder. None at all. Even if it seems like a glimmer of hope, its just a facade. And they have a team of ‘helpers’ that will back him up when necessary even when he’s completely wrong. If you are absolutely certain he has this disorder, only move in if ur willing to pay with your time and life. Prepare to be hurt and none of your feeling matter at all. His truth will be THE TRUTH, PERIOD. doesn’t matter what you say he will fill in the blanks for you. Move in, but if any of what I’m saying is true, be strong enough to leave because u will be gradually groomed. He can only do to u what u will allow but he WILL TEST to see what that point is if any.

      • Pam Moran

        Amen Candance , Amen you are so right. it is indeed a gradual grooming process.. she needs to know that they are soooo fun to be with it seems worth overlooking the signs. “but he is soooo fun to be with I am sure it is all ok” WE have a great time together he can have this problem” Oh yes he can. Beware you will be burned. I soo hope she listens

    • Geraldine Arbuckle

      Do you really want to move in with someone who views you as “being annoying?

    • Gloria Taylor

      Your cue was you ask to many questions and you been in this long distance relationship. I wish you the best and hope it all works out for you and it’s what you want in a man. I hope that I remember to check in on you. God bless you and your change in life. Have you ever met him before, do you even know what he looks like. Pictures can be of someone else, just hope that he’s the right one and you don’t get with a terrible man. Good luck.

  19. Susan

    I was involved with this physco, for two n half years…from the very beginning he lied to me. He told me he was divorced which was true but didn’t tell me he was living with another woman for the last four years…he said if he told me I wouldn’t have got involved with the beginning he was so loving and caring and always wanting to see me. A year later I found out he’s addicted to social media and chatting to other women…he denied everything and said it’s all in my head…he had two watts app but even denied that. Eventually he said I pushed him away because I keep fighting with him and I don’t trust him…he’s always on watts app late at night and when I question him he says he was checking to see if I was on. He was so possessive and everything he used to do he blamed it on me…he even said I’m going crazy…I couldn’t let go of the relationship because. Every week he told me it’s over then come back a few days later and say he can’t do without me and I accepted him back. In my heart I knew he was cheating he only associated himself with high flyers and said I’m the lowest from all the women he had. He called me the worst names possible and I accepted everything. He even went to the extent of sending me pictures of a naked woman in a hotel room but said he didn’t sleep with her. He said she’s a neurosurgeon and he had a kid with her 7 years ago and they went to the hotel to talk and she got drunk and took of her clothes…I even believed that…recently he use to say he’s going to his ex wife house to see his grown kids but I couldn’t call him and even if I send a message we wouldn’t open it. He spends about 7 hours or so there sometimes even stays over but there is no contact during that time. I finally realized he wasn’t at his exes house but with another lady…I tried to get professional help but still battling. The doc said he’s gas lighting me. I know he’s got a serious problem but he makes it seem like I do. I told him it’s over now he told me very bad words like he never loved me and no man will want me and he’s got a good woman now I will regret leaving him….it’s hard but I’m trying my best I know it’s not healthy to be with him

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Only people with NOTHING real to offer say things like, “You’ll regret leaving me.” If he were your son, would you be proud of him? Probably not! If he were your brother, would you think he was a great catch? Doubtful. The key is to begin your DETACHMENT from him by going NO CONTACT. Be patient with your desire to give in to your old habit of accepting him back…he’s a bad habit that became a type of SECURITY BLANKET. The chaos and drama he brought to your life was FAKE ENERGY…it was just chaos disguised as energy. I also recommend accessing the FREE Toolkit on this site to cut cords to him and take back your energy for yourself. 🙂

    • Grace

      Holy wow. This sounds exactly like a man I’ve recently dealt with almost word for word. It’s hard to escape these men because they can be so charming, but they will never change. They only care about themselves

  20. Gala Fernandez

    I am moving through the stages of grief after my relationship with a Narcissist. One that left me when I was most vulnerable and weak. The damage was extensive to my self esteem, my trust and my reputation. Every day is a new day but I found that writing has done wonders.

    I hope that everyone reading this realizes that being a victim of a narcissistic person does not define your worth or intelligence.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Thank you for sharing your story and site with us, Gala! 🙂 <3

  21. David

    I am in the process of divorce, after a short 9 month marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. She fooled me from day one with overly affectionate passion, praise for there had never been anyone like me, and showered me with love. Over time she learned about my previous traumas including an assault that left me emotionally compromised for 3 years and refusing to let anyone in. She gently let herself into my heart, and used what she called “tough love” to help me move on with my life. The reality is she blindsided me, gaslighted me, and used my past trauma to convince me that I was an unlovable person (always called me names, criticized everything about me, etc). Then one day announced she wanted a divorce after I had started putting my foot down and asking her to respect my feelings. I have been suffering, confused, and convinced that I was crazy. She had me convinced I was the one at fault, never taking ownership. I even now have found evidenced that she has been planning to go out of state to visit an ex, and when I asked her about this man on her facebook (as I found later is the one she is going to see) told me to stay out of her life, and that she felt what she does is not my business. True, since we are filing divorce, but she started this “affair” apparently months ago.
    These forums and posts have helped me realize I never had a chance and that I wish I had seen the signs before she sucked me in. I’m not sure I will ever be able to trust again or date again, which saddens me. I only hope that time will help me get over what has been the most damaging thing I’ve ever experienced.
    Bless you all

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Thank you, David.

  22. Mary

    I am currently in a relationship with someone with both these “qualities”. I myself and bipolar and in my last relationship I would hold issues in and then after a time explode. I’ve learned about how I was and with this new guy I did blow up a few times but was asked to tell him something bothers me instead of holding it in. Now when I do, it’s always “something else” (I don’t talk about bothering things to much regardless). He turns it around on me and makes me feel like I’m the wrong one and I’m crazy. He will literally tell me “he’s better than everyone” and “he knows he’s awesome.” I feel as though if I say that something is bothering me that he’ll get angry and decided he can’t deal with it anymore. Granted he does have A LOT of stress going on right now, legitimately he does and I told him today that “There’s nothing you’re doing wrong (playing into his thoughts that he can’t make me happy just so he’ll talk to me) and I think we need to just have a sit down conversation. Of course when I mentioned “to have an adult conversation” he replied with “this adult conversation stuff is silly.”. I have my own problems and unfortunately he has had to help me out financially. I talked to his ex-wife of 14 years on the phone today and she mentioned in the beginning of our relationship that he was like that but I just thought she was being a jealous b**ch and she admitted she was on one occasion but she really was trying to warn me. I’ve known this guy for 11 years but we never hung out and I knew his ex from my ex husband as they were good friends back in the day. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to have feelings or that things should bother me. I moved 650 miles away with my kids to be with him and now, I feel like it was all for nothing. What’s even worse his own daughter moved out citing in a letter that she was tired of being yelled at for having panic attacks and her mother said she is afraid to tell him stuff because she doesn’t want to tick him off. Yeah. That’s how I feel. I do love him and when nothing is wrong, we are great together but I can’t keep feeling like I have no right to feel bothered by something. He won’t say “I love you” when he feels that things aren’t right with us. He says he doesn’t say it because he doesn’t want me to think things are ok. Um. I told him it doesn’t make me think that but instead makes me feel like he loves me unconditionally, which apparently I don’t think is true anymore. He only loves me if I’m perfect and not doing bad in life and have NOTHING that bothers or upsets me. His ex even said he is not empathetic and sees what he wants to see, which is apparently me being crazy when I have a REAL reason to feel anything. I don’t want to leave him but I can’t keep feeling like I’m crazy for wanting to be treated like a girlfriend. I tell him I’m not good enough for him but then he says if I wasn’t, he wouldn’t be with me. Ugh!

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Well, Mary, if you feed the drama, the drama will continue and you’ll continue feeling like you’re going crazy. Essentially, like all of us who have been where you are, you’re too addicted to the drama to see it for what it is. Detaching and disconnecting from someone who is not capable of living free of drama is difficult. I can’t imagine how his daughter felt before she made her decision to detach, but I’m certain today she’s much happier and with fewer, if any, panic attacks. People and relationships like this throw our central nervous system into a frenzy. Our sympathetic nervous system kicks in, our heart closes, and we’re depleted of energy…quickly. Always on high alert, we react from fear rather than act from logic. Fear makes us do stupid things, like stay with a person we THINK loves us and could possibly change. “If I leave him now, what if he changes and I miss out on something?” He’s not going to change and you’re not going to miss out on ANYTHING if you leave. YOU WILL MISS OUT ON LIFE IF YOU STAY. But it’s ultimately your choice, and it starts with shifting your attention from him, cutting cords to him, and taking back your power by activating your energy, opening your heart, and using your intellect rather than fear to guide you. The FREE toolkit on this site will help get you started. 🙂

  23. Confused in WV

    I noticed the early morning comment postings of most. Early AM. It gives me a little solitude to know that I am not the only one who has been so adversely affected by this type of person. I am trying to end a 4 year relationship with a narrasistic sociopath. We have a 2-1/2 year old son together which has made it really difficult to get away. We have been separated for about a year now with the “understanding” that we were working to get our relationship back. I have finally realized that I am the only only that truly held that belief. I have finally allowed myself to know that I have been used and manipulated and I am trying so hard to get away from them. Now that they have been exposed (at least to me ), I have somehow been turned into the evil one. In their mind and as they have been telling those around them. Is this common? For a long time now, things were done behind my back and even to my face, that I just put up with because I wanted to be loved by them and honestly , to keep this family together . Unfortunately, at times when I felt very hurt from the uncalloused behavior that was projected towards me, I said some hurtful things to this person. I guess to try and make them see how much I was being hurt by them. I truly regret ever having said anything because at the time I was deeply hurt and frustrated with their actions. Now I am being blamed for the relationship turning so unbearable. I’m being told its from my harsh words. Their actions that were so hurtful and harmful (to me anyway ) are not even being considered one tiny bit. No apology ever from these actions or their harmful words said. I did and continue to apologize for the hurtful things I have said. Those times of lack of self control in saying hurtful things are now being blamed as the whole reason the relationship did not work out. I realize it takes 2 and I’m truly sorry that I wasn’t mature enough to bite my tongue at times. I am being called and projected to their family and friends as a crazy and delusional person. I have been told that before when I would voice my displeasure and hurt. I even sought and attended therapy sessions because I was so sorry and afraid that I was those horrible things. Their actions continued and even tho I worked hard to think before I spoke , it seemed they increased the disrespect until I finally could not keep from speaking my mind. It’s like they knew I couldn’t not say anything and kept on until I did. I’m so hurt and confused. The other time in therapy , we attended twice together until they informed me that it was all me and they did not need to attend anymore. I continued with two more sessions until we moved away. I was told that I needed to leave the relationship but never really did. I am once again being made to feel crazy so I’m going to find help in the city I’m in now. If there is something wrong with me I Want to know. It’s like I have even started to blame myself for all that happened, even though I can recall all of the horrible things done by the other person. It’s like I don’t want to believe that those things happened. I don’t want to believe that someone could do that to me and not see how wrong they were. Did I blow things out of perportion? Did things not really happen the way I remember and continue to see? To tell the truth, I feel crazy ! Is this just them throwing it all back in me? Since they have never apologized for anything, I’m now wondering if I made the things up in my head. The way I perceive them and see them. Anyway , I hope everyone here finds leave and can sleep through the night.

    • Liz Rose

      Confused in WV-you are not crazy!
      It is very normal to feel and even act crazy after having endured this type of abuse. The type of abuse that is so insidious that we bite our tongues and endure it for various reasons,often not even aware that it’s abuse until long after the damage is done. The injustice is infuriating and would make anyone feel and act crazy.
      It is entirely unfair that our reaction to their egregious behavior becomes the ultimate focus. To make matters worse, many of us even find ourselves sticking up for them in the beginning, justifying and explaining away their actions to others.
      I learned only a year ago that my husband of over ten years is a narcissist/sociopath, I too have yet to leave for good. I have also done and said many regrettable things in reaction to his abusive. I have felt and acted crazy too many times to count.
      What has helped me the most is trying to not react, to take a breath and ask myself “what reaction is he looking for by saying/doing ___?”, and then making sure I do not give him the reaction he’s looking for.
      I wish you and everyone struggling with this mostly hidden and unspoken abuse all the best and lots of strength!

    • Trying

      I am so sorry that you had these experiences.

      In your comment you expressed that you felt guilt for harsh things that you have said to this person in the past. I am just a few months single after ending a relationship (11years)with one of these people. I also find myself running over things I was blamed for and wondering…I have come to realize that it cannot possibly matter what these things were because they would’ve found something wrong with me anyway. Please be kind to yourself. You and I (and countless others) have endured a profound betrayal. What we did or said didn’t matter at all–the only single thing that mattered is that we were targeted because these people could see in us how we could be exploited. That’s all that mattered period. I don’t think you should apologize to this person ever again. They feed off of our kindness, olive branches and mostly our self doubt. We have to stop feeding them to preserve ourselves. You have a child that needs you. This person will wear you down to nothing. I don’t have a child so I realize this is much easier to say, but I believe it to be true so I will say it because we need to collect as much truth as we can. When you deal with this person, you do not have to talk, or share anything with them. Discuss the issue at hand (scheduling visits, illnesses, school meetings) about your child and nothing else. Nothing at all. You don’t have to smile at them, laugh at their jokes, ask about family, or go over your history. You do not owe this person anything and the sooner you accept that the better off you’ll be.

      What you said about buying into the ‘crazy’ label, I’m struggling with that too. Don’t even know what to say about it, I have no answers there.

      I think a lot about the words profound betrayal because I think it goes so incredibly deep that they have convinced us of these awful things we’ve done and we believe it so in a way we’ve betrayed ourselves and haven’t even noticed? Still processing that one. And I’m scared that I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

      You have a child with this person. I’m so sorry that it’s with this person, but I’m not at all sorry that you have a child! In that way you are blessed because if you stop going over the past (that is gone) you’ll be more able to focus on your child and maybe your child can teach you how to forgive yourself. Children are lights, and I think they are the best teachers of how to live. Their lessons seem simplistic, but I’ve been working on looking past that and have been amazed at what I have seen.
      All the best to you both, I hope you find what works best for you and your future:)

    • xyz2352

      I am a passive aggressive male

      Before we were married, I bowed, against my wife’s wishes, to my my mother’s and sister’s directions to have a “formal” wedding. They invited cousins, aunts, and others to the wedding.Nobody on my wife’s side were able to attend.

      We were married in a church that was not of my wife’s choosing. I chose a local church that we had no history of attending. My wife wanted to marry in the church that we attended.

      On our honeymoon, I squealed “gotta have room, give me room” in the bed may wife paid for. The item that crowded me turned out to be a pillow.

      My wife wanted to go to New York our honeymoon, and I said no. Said it was too hot there. We went to south Florida instead, were the heat was even hotter.

      During the honeymoon, my wife wanted to go to a famous water show that she attended when she was young. I did not want to wait one day for the rain to stop so we could see it.

      My wife asked me to drive her back from an outpatient surgery. I bailed at the last minute and she had to drive herself.

      My wife had another outpatient surgery and I went home to eat during the surgery. I was not there if something happened.

      She was there for me when I needed her for medical issues.

      We bought a lesser house together, while my wife found a much better home in a different neighborhood that was a better buy financially.

      I made the decision to fix the house up nice, when my wife’s idea was to just paint it and move in. Her idea would have been the most prudent.

      My wife had separate bank accounts, and I made us consolidate, against her wishes, the multiple accounts. I now have separate accounts for various monies.

      My wife wants a regular drive way (like everyone else) into our house, and I insist on a pigtail into the home. We have had the pigtail for years.

      My wife wants a cover for our cars, but I say we cannot afford (see below)

      I insist we buy a piece of property. My wife tells me how much we should pay. I pay 2 1/2 times as much. In another, I buy a piece of property that she does not want to buy. I insist and purchase anyway.

      In the above transactions, she tells me it is time for her turn to make a decision. I say yes it is, but am going to do it anyway because it is a good deal.

      Ate with my wife and daughter zero times, but ate with many family members at the table a lot of times.

      Daughter baked me my favorite cake, but did not taste it.

      Wife baked me a birthday cake, and I did not touch it.

      At a local restaurant, I was rude by making out the food was bad. Showing out that I did not want to be there.

  24. Matt

    Very interesting read. I actually just resigned from a new position as I found that my new boss was a narcisstic sociopath. I stood up to him and put my career and livelihood in jeapordy as a result, but I had to speak up as to the monster he is. It worked out in the end, but it makes my hair stand on end thinking about the amount of power entrusted in such a hollow set of eyes. I’m a combat veteran with a purple heart and have seen the most evil version of mankind sitting behind a desk, not a gun.

    • Paula Reeves

      Matt, I currently partner with a combat veteran who also has a Purple Heart. I’m always amazed at how similar our “battles” were/are. Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s very validating for many.

  25. Jill

    Hello, I am married to a man who has several of these traits, but they seem to come and go. Its so hard for me to see clearly who he really is, perhaps because im too close to the situation. He has been at times completely irrational, illogical, unable to take any form of criticism (says im attacking him and saying hes a terrible person when I tell him something hes done or said hurt me deeply). Yes, ive been emotionally abused for at least 4 years now and see it clear now.
    He doesnt have the inflated self image, rather, he has embraced a sense of worthlessness his farher has made him feel his whole life.
    My husband is controlling but surprising that he is not jealous of other men and has never accused me of cheating or questioned my every minute like my ex used to constantly. He knows im faithful, its me that doesnt trust him, because of his coldness and abuse, why would he be faithful?
    He is like two people and I dont know which one is real and after almost 10 years, I dont feel he loves me, or know if he can truly experience bonding and connecting with me deeply because he never has.
    But the really confusing thing for me is, when we met he had been the victim of domestic voilence, so i thought he knows what thats like he could never become an abuser. And yes I have fully seen personally that his ex is 100% a full blown Narcissist and she has not 5 but every one of the listed traits, word per word.
    So how is it he was (and still is, she has alienated their daughter from us completely) so controlled by her and with me he is abusive (not physically) and can scream at me like he hates me as I cry and he shows no empathy at all?

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Jill, Thank you for your comment. It’s very enlightening.

      Your husband has essentially taken on the “tyrant” energy of his past abuser. Tyrant energy is the opposite of Victim energy in how it’s projected outwardly. However, both are rooted in fears of abandonment and lack of self-trust and worth. The energies feed off of each other. It’s like he’s in a toxic relationship with HIMSELF and can’t escape. Everyone else, including you, is collateral damage. Did your husband receive any type of counseling or therapy following his DV experience? And how long did he wait before entering into a relationship with you? I do not sense that he is unfaithful to you physically. However, as you note, he’s not available emotionally. His heart chakra is shutdown. He’s deep in trauma but doesn’t realize it. His past abuser is still HOOKED INTO him and into your relationship. Did you access the FREE Energy Activation toolkit on this site? The three (3) exercises will greatly benefit you as well as your husband. How you present the idea of him trying them may be tricky but if you use the toolkit on your own for a few weeks, I’m sure the right action and answers will come to you. Regardless, if this relationship is breaking apart your heart and shutting you down, it’s toxic. It doesn’t matter what label you put on HIM, it’s clear the relationship is unhealthy.

  26. James

    You need to switch all your pronouns to “she” and “her,” or at least make them gender neutral. The statistics show that narcissists are overwhelmingly female. You long for equality, right? Start here.

    • Paula Carrasquillo

      Thanks for your suggestion, James. I’ll definitely consider making these changes. I write from my personal experience; I wrote this from my experience with a romantic male partner. Perhaps, as a compromise and so as not to alienate anyone, I can add clarifying language, a disclaimer of sorts, to the top. 🙂

      • Cas

        What are signs of a sociopath mother to her newborn child?

    • Carol B Westling

      Waaah…easy with the testosterone.You’d think they attached your name personally.Maybe they’re using the masculine form because that has been their experience.

  27. Chris

    This describes my ex-wife to a tee she cheated on me from the time I met her til the end of our relationship and she had no conscious about doing it.She lied and manipulated me our whole relationship she had two kids from another marriage we separated but I thought we were working on our marriage she was seeing another guy the whole time and I was watching her kids and picking her up from work everyday!She cared about her kids and herself that’s it,she didn’t really have any female friends when she did she would get jealous about something pertaining to them and would turn on them if she was sick she expected me to wait on her hand and foot if I got sick she treated me as a inconvenience.After I would catch her cheating on me she would not have any contact with me after that fling ran it’s course she would start calling me and she would pull me back in then I would catch her again and the whole cycle would start again this happened at least 3 times and she didn’t care how it effected me it was all about her i’m not proud of how stupid I was but I loved her.It finally ended for good 15 years ago we have a 20 yr old son so I had to deal with her from time to time but it still effects me today I haven’t had a meaningful relationship in 15 yrs I don’t want to get hurt like that again it was much to painful I don’t know if I will ever be able to have another meaningful relationship.

    • Paula Carrasquillo

      Chris, Thank you for your honesty and sharing your struggles. It breaks my heart knowing you’ve kept yours closed to the possibility of a true, genuine, and authentic connection with others. Until we feel safe, we tend to keep our hearts closed. We’re always on high alert and distrusting of others, including ourselves. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You deserve to feel safe, to open your heart, and to love again. Sending you lots of encouragement and peace.

    • Marty

      My husband has continued to disregard me as a human being. He has 0 empathy or sympathy. His main goal is to look good for others, smells nice, dresses nice. Just doesn’t care. I wish I had seen the signs 12 years ago. I gave up everything and now have nothing. The sad part is we have a child and she sees his uncaring nature too. I really don’t know what to do I have no money and no family where do I go from here? I’m just venting. I need to get it out. My eyes are puffy from all the crying I’ve done.

      • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

        Thank you, Marty. Everyone reading your comment understands how you’re feeling and most have been exactly where you are…some are still where you are. You have more options open to you than you’re allowing yourself to realize. You’re not as stuck as you think you are.

  28. Ruby

    This is Dr William Smith, breast center in St luke’s East Hospital in Lees Summit.

    He has done to Ashley, who is radiology technician accusing her
    that she did take wrong images, which makes for him very difficult to diagnose.

  29. Joanne

    I never knew what a narcissist person meant. I thought the 5 year relationship I was in was just him being mean.. I now know that he is a classic marcissist person through researching it on here. He has never show a bit of remorse for the hurtful things. I now understand that it is a mental disorder. He is very clever in hiding it from anyone. He has also lied to me many times. And hid his past, and I recently found out why he hid…but when confronted he gets nasty and threatens to throw me out. I know I have to leave him, we own a home together which I am on the deed. And that makes him furious as he constantly tell me its HIS house. I have to get out of this relationship a I feel he will get violent. He was so charming in the beginning, and every one of the points in the beginning of this article are all the things he said to me….Thank you….

  30. Jack

    I’ve been reading a bunch about narcissistic sociopaths and at this point I’m very positive that my father is one. I grew up believing I was worthless because he kept calling me lazy and irresponsible, regularly yelling at me over school grades despite always getting sufficient marks to get approved in the end. Currently I’m trying to gather the strength to get him expelled from my life completely and say he should forget I’m his son.

    But one thing to add is that he seems to be a special kind of a narcissistic sociopath, that he doesn’t intend on harming people but instead convinces himself that he’s doing the right thing and that anyone harming him is being evil. He’s been working in commerce for a few decades now, overworking his employees then yelling at them when they fail to deliver and concludes that him not getting good employees is because there’s ton of lazy and ill-meaning people around. That should be something to consider.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Thank you, Jack. All covert sociopaths/narcissists are “special” in this regard. They use other people’s polished and shiny personas as their mask. A narcissist/sociopath believes status and reputation are EVERYTHING but take shortcuts to gain a respectable reputation by making it their #1 purpose in life to associate and align themselves with good, hard-working people who have worked hard to establish themselves. We’ve all heard of “guilty by association”, right? Well, this tactic by sociopaths is the positive side of that idea. They’re automatically “judged” as good just because they have good, loyal friends sitting on either side of them. A thorn between two roses, one might say. But a thorn that goes undetected. And once these roses, these good, hard-working folks make a misstep (like normal human beings do), the narcissist/sociopath interprets the misstep as a personal and deliberate attacks inflicted by the good, hard-working folks. Instead of idolizing the good, hard-working folks, now the narcissist/sociopath degrades, demeans, and crucifies them…LOUDLY…so as not to be judged by others as being as careless and “at-fault” as the good, hard-working folk. It’s truly mind boggling and disgusting how easily the general public can be manipulated and brainwashed by a narcissist’s tantrums and shouts of injustice against them by the very people the sociopath/narcissist once praised.

    • Nicole Henry

      I was in a relationship with someone just like this. I am currently in the process of getting him evicted from my house. Like your father, I truly believe he has convinced himself that he is doing the right thing at all times. He has a fifteen year old son that adores him. It’s hard to watch the way he treats him. He turns on his son in an instant. Then, other times, he allows him to do whatever he wants and forgets about all the other things he told him. He’s a contradiction, and I know it must be confusing for the boy. Anyhow, when I read your comment, I connected with your description.

    • Jennifer Adams

      You’re very insightful. You sound alot like my sons. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone

  31. Nickie C

    My ex left me 46 days ago. I don’t know if he is a narcissist or not. He is charming, we married quickly, he started to get moody and violent towards the end. We were together four years. He does not work, he gets disability from the VA and goes to school. We own an additional home, so that is where he moved to (5 miles down the road) The first two weeks of our break up he came over every day. Even spent the night a few times. When I asked him if he was trying to get back together he said no. I needed to understand we were getting a divorce. I told him he was sending mixed messages. He told me I was his family and he was going to help fix me, blah, blah, blah. I did all the facebook stalking, phone stalking, and found out he was talking to three other girls. I was hurt and mad…we broke up because he joined a motorcycle “club” and I am embarrassed him by not wanting to be part of it. Now I am finding out he talks to other girls and meets with them. When I contronted him, he didn’t deny it, he told me what he does is his business, no longer mine. I filed for divorce week 3, turned off his phone, and went limited contact…oh when I turned off his phone he was so mad he threaten me (did I mention he got abusive towards the end)…I also put a restraining order against. Okay, so here is my question…He left, BUT, he also left his 15 year old son. The mom doesn’t want him, and my soon to be ex doesn’t want him. So I have him, hence the limited contact. He signed over a 6-month parental power of attorny that allows me to have parental rights. He will need to renew every 6 months. The divorce will be finaled in June. It is getting back to me, that I am the crazy one. By the time we are divorced we would have been separated 90 days…I didn’t even give my marriage a chance. Also, now I am hearing I stole his teen son and am brainwashing him. I haven’t seen this man or talked to him in 20 days. He emails me every four days or so on personal belongings, taxes, etc. Nothing about us or his son. I always respond, but with straight to the point answers. I stopped facebook stalking him about 20 days ago as well…and I told EVERYONE please don’t tell me what or who he is doing. Back to my question…his son will live with me for the next 2 1/2 years at least. Is my nightmare over with this man?

  32. Lady01

    I was just reading a comment and felt i would share something. The scariest thing about the whole ordeal, is when you split from a narc, they now ahve that much information on themselves onlne that they are now getting even more clever. They are actually goig around delivering themselves as the victum. Is this projecting? So before I even know what is going on, I find out they are pretending to have done to them what they are doing to me? You acnt post anything as its used against you that your nasty, evil etc and you are in fact the narc. They copy your personality, its all quite over bearing. I just pray God answers everyones prayers on delivering people from there enemies.

    • Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

      Thank you so much, Lady01, for addressing one of the most frustrating conundrums/paradoxes we face when inside and/or attempting to explain and share what happened to us while inside the toxic relationship with a narcissist/sociopath. I encourage everyone to stay strong and true to your experiences and never doubt or question the devastating impact of someone like this and how he/she hurt you, your children, your friends and others you loved. These people don’t just harm us; they harm everyone and everything we love and hold dear. That’s the biggest difference between a REAL target and a sociopath fake crying about being victimized.

      • Vickie

        I experience this on a daily basis. I have been divorced now for almost 3 years. My ex husband has spent more time on destroying me in those 3 years then he ever spent paying attention to anything in the almost 18 years we were married. Our 5 children are destroyed and torn. His family also facilitates in the vicious cycle of abuse towards both me and thr children. Everyone had adapted a personality of conforming because its easier than the alternative. Its so sick and dangerous. I have 4 daughters and I am so scared of who they will be or end up with and I have 1 son who I am afraid will end up the same. Every single day someone is a target. He calls the police so often the children know them by first name. He has called Child Protective Services 4 times. Each time we have to go through the stress of drug tests and an inveatigation. Even though all of them are unsubstantiated its just a brutal brutal attack each time.
        It truly is something that no one understands.



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